My body is ready, but the baby is undecided

I met with my neighbor again yesterday that does the foot zoning/muscle testing and she noticed in my feet that things were a lot looser. She said before my pelvic bones were still really tight but now they are spread open and ready to go. She said my body is ready to go but when she muscle tested to see when the baby was coming, she said he is undecided. I asked her what I could do about that and she said, you need to convince him to come.

Three more days maybe?

My cute neighbor does foot zoning and muscle testing and today she worked on my feet and said things are still tight and it doesn't feel like he is quite ready to come. She did some muscle testing and she didn't think he was coming today, tomorrow or even Friday but more like Saturday which is in three days. She thought maybe I would go into labor Friday night and actually have him on Saturday. She said this isn't an exact science and she doesn't know for sure, but that is her predictions. It will be really interesting to see if that is how it pans out! I really wouldn't be surprised though because I don't feel like he is coming in the next day or two either. I think he is going to take his time coming. I talked to my mom today and she said she didn't feel like he was coming this week either. So between the three of us ladies, we will see if our intuitions are right or not so much! only time will tell. I just got to get my patient mind set going on now;)

Still nothing and getting bummed out

Well, still nothing happening and I am starting to get bummed. I can't really schedule anything to do with myself because this baby should be coming any day now but I am not really getting any contractions and nothing is happening. Every day that he doesn't come feels like a week. It is hard too because the doctor told me he thought he would come at least a week early and the ultrasound tech said I was measuring ahead of schedule so now that we are passing those dates, it feels like I am late even though I'm not. I think it would have been easier if I would have kept my due date June 24th in my head rather than around the 17th. I know I am so close but it is amazing how extremely slow time is going right now. We tried a bunch of natural ways to help get labor going but nothing has worked and it's kind of a bummer. I kind of just want to give up and say whatever, I guess I will just sit and wait and do nothing. I am so uncomfortable too where I don't really want to go out and do much because it is hard to walk because the head is so low and my hips hurt even when I stand and I have to go pee every 10 minutes and it's hard to move around and get in and out of the car. It seriously feels like my stomach couldn't possible get any bigger and that I will pop at any given moment. So for all those reasons it's just easier to stay home, however there is nothing to do at my house but watch tv or play games on my phone or check the computer which all get pretty old rather quickly. I just don't know what to do with myself!

Getting anxious!

We are getting pretty anxious at this point for our little man to get here. My bags are packed, the room is ready to go and now we are just waiting. The hubby asks several times a day, "Is he coming?" "When is he coming?" He is really excited and anxious and really wants him to come this Sunday on Father's Day. We have an ultrasound appointment this Monday June 18th at 1:30 and then meeting with the Dr after that. We are really hoping we have him that day or sometime the first of the week. If we had him Monday, that is only 3 days away which would be awesome! We will see how it goes. I haven't had too many contractions lately and everything is pretty chill right now. Just can't wait to see and meet our little cutie!!!

38 week appointment

I am still 70% effaced and dilated to about a 2.5 just like last week. My doctor said next Monday on June 18th he will do an ultrasound and scrape my membranes to help kick start things. I would love to have this baby next Monday or close to it, that would be perfect! Earlier this week I came down with a cold and had no energy and just didn't feel good. I have more energy now but am still stuffed up and am having a hard time breathing through my nose which is frustrating. I really need to kick this before I go into labor because I am going to need to by 100% healthy so I have my energy to put into delivering this baby. It will be interesting to see when this baby decides to come. We got the baby room set up this week and it's super cute! All I need now is to get some cute wall art and pictures to fill in the blank wall space and the room will be set! This baby is coming soon and we are ready and excited about it:)

37 Week Appointment

I just had my 37 week appointment and all went well. The doctor said I am currently dilated to a 2.5 almost a 3 and 70% effaced/thinned out, so my body is getting close to having this little guy. My due date is June 24th, and he is thinking I will be a week early. I am a little nervous because my doctor is going to be out of town all next week and If I come any more than a week early than my doctor might not be there to deliver me which would be really sad. I will be meeting with a nurse practitioner next Monday for my 38 week appointment. If I don't have the baby next week I will have my 39 week appointment on Monday the 18th and the doctor said I will have an ultrasound and he would strip my membranes that day. It's lookin like this baby is going to be coming in just 2 weeks if not sooner, crazy stuff! and oh so exciting! We have had a teenage proctor girl living with us for the past 7 months and she just moved out this past weekend and her room is the nursery so I haven't been able to put any of my stuff in the baby room until now. So this week I am excited about putting the baby room together:) It is going to be soooooo cute! I got a darling bedding set and room set that my sweet sister surprised me and bought for me. I am ready to decorate! I also just bought a porch swing which by wonderful to sit outside and swing the baby in the fresh air. Exciting things await!

36 week appointment

I met with my fabulous OBGYN this morning and he said the baby's heart beat is just perfect and I am measuring perfectly and everything looks great! He asked me where I have been hiding my baby because I am measuring big but it just doesn't look like it. I've got a cute little basketball tummy:) He checked my dilation and said I am dilated to a 2 and he said I am 60% thinned out so my body is definitely getting ready to have this baby. He was quite surprised that I was dilated to a 2 and said that is pretty rare for first time mom's to be dilated to a 2 this early on. He joked and asked me if I didn't have some kids in another country that I haven't told him about. He said it's great and whatever I am doing, to keep doing it:) I guess my body is acting like it's already had a baby before and it's just going with the process and preparing itself very well. I am hoping this means my labor will go quicker and not take as long as it normally would for a first baby. I am soooo excited! I love hearing how good my baby is doing every week, it's so much fun. And now my appointments are every week which is fun. It makes the time go quicker when they are weekly.

I wanted to make a list of the changes my body has gone through during this pregnancy. First Trimester: -I had several weeks during the first trimester that I was exhausted and wanted to sleep all the time, but couldn't understand why I was so tired. -My breasts were getting bigger which the hubby noticed around 10 weeks -I felt a little lump in my stomach (All of this was before I knew I was pregnant about 12 weeks along) -Having to go to the bathroom a lot. -I had about 1 week of morning sickness right after I found out I was pregnant from about week 12-13 where I would throw up liquid first thing in the morning and then I was good to go. Second Trimester: -Bladder issues around 4-5 months along where I just couldn't hold it in. -Lots of energy -Noticed a light brown line around the nipple and also a straight brown darker line running up half of my stomach Third Trimester: -Having a hard time sleeping starting around 32 weeks. Just could not get comfortable and had to sleep on my left side. As soon as I would flip to my right side to lay on, I would have trouble breathing through my nose and would have to flip back to the left side. It got frustrating though because my left side started hurting and feeling bruised from laying on my hip. -I get winded and out of breath when I do just about anything. Walking up the stairs or moving things around, getting in and out of the car or any other random thing. -Bought my first set of maternity clothes, capri's and two shirts from Motherhood at 32 weeks (April 28, 2012). I went shopping before my first baby shower! -At 33 weeks, it looks as if my belly button wants to pop out at any time. -Started to get heart burn around 32 weeks some nights when I was trying to sleep -Braxton hicks -Baby was breach at 33 weeks, but at week 35 baby was in head down position:) I was nervous about that one so I tried a couple things to see if I could get the baby flipped. I tried the slant board where you lay on a slanted mat or board upside down for about 10 minutes to get the baby to flip. Another thing I tried was putting headphones on the lower part of my belly so the baby would want to flip his head around and listen to the music. I also tried scratching and squeezing my left pinky toe which I heard could flip a breach baby. Something must have worked to get him to move:) -33 weeks I have started to really feel more moody and irritable and I get agitated and annoyed with people easily. I also get emotional and worked up rather easy. -36 weeks my baby dropped and he is not sitting so high anymore. -36 week I am pretty sure I lost my mucous plug I have to say my pregnancy has been going very well and I have been very blessed. I haven't had any weird cravings, I haven't felt sick, no stretch marks. I've been feeling really good. I have mostly just been noticing my growing belly which has been fun! I am planning on doing a natural birth and have been preparing for this by taking classes to learn breathing techniques, massage and mind control to help with the pain. I am also taking all the supplements the iridologist suggested for me and will be taking a cervix softener and a birth prep pill that is supposed to help prepare my body for labor as well. I am really trying to do my part to make this process go as smoothly as it possibly can and to try and alleviate some of the pain. I talked to the lady at the herb shop where I purchase my natural pills and supplements and she said she had all her babies at home all natural and she was always just excited to have her babies rather than being scared. She knew women's bodies were made and built to have babies so she didn't let herself fear the process. She knew there would be pain but she wanted to be part of the process and feel and see her babies coming out. I liked her positive outlook on this experience and I think that really helped the experience go smoother for her and not be quite as painful. I know the mind is very powerful and if we decide to freak out and get scared and stress out, then our bodies will tense up and it really will make delivery more painful. I am going to try to have that same positive attitude and just go with the process. However if the doctor's have some concern or don't think my pelvis is big enough or if there is going to be a problem, I am also okay with getting the epidural and won't feel bad about going that route.

Less than 4 weeks to go!

I am in the home stretch now and have less than 4 weeks to go before we get to meet our little cutie pie. I have a doctor appointment this Tuesday for my 37 week checkup and then every week after that. I am so spoiled and was thrown 3 baby showers this past month. Family and friends were very generous and we got quite set up! Thank goodness for baby showers for your first though, because there is a lot of stuff that these babies need, it's crazy! I can't wait to be able to set up the baby room but I have to wait one more week we have a proctor girl that has been living with us for the past 7 months and she will be moving out this Saturday and her room will be the nursery. We have the crib and the the bedding set and the glider chair and lots of cute clothes and everything we need to set up the room, we are just waiting for the space. It's going to be so fun to set it all up and get to hang out in the room before the little guy gets here. I have been feeling pretty dang good and don't have much to complain about this entire pregnancy, which is wonderful! Can't wait to see what our little man looks like and to see his personality. He seems to be pretty chill in my tummy so he might come out all laid back and chill like his cute daddy! I just can't wait to spend every second with him and to see him grow and progress. I have waited so long for this that I am going to appreciate every moment with this baby boy. He most definitely will be coming to a home with lots of love:)

I'm in the third trimester!

So here I am, 27 weeks along, in the third trimester and feeling fabulous! It is so fun watching my belly grow and feeling my baby boy move around everyday. He is so cute, I already love him so much! The hubby and I have been taking classes at the hospital which is fun and we are learning some great things. The classes we are taking are: early pregnancy, parenting, lamaze (6 weeks), infant safety and breastfeeding. In the parenting class the teacher mentioned that babies like faces more than any toy or anything. If you draw a smiley face on a piece of paper, they will like this more than toys. They love faces! She also said their favorite music is voices. Those two things stood out to me the most which I didn't know. It will be fun to see what our little boy looks like! We have three months from today until we are due. we are getting closer and oh so excited!

How I got pregnant

Some people have asked me how I got pregnant after waiting and trying for so long. Well here is the story. My mom had been meeting with an Iridologist which is someone that takes close up pictures of your eyes and can see what your body is lacking or deficient in. The eye is a muscle and is connected and shows all areas of your body. She suggested I meet with this Iridologist named Nancy Coones to see if she could help me. I took my mother's advice and met with Nancy the end of June 2011. There were several issues that I had and some but not all included; my body being low in calcium, I had some issues with my gallblader, problems with my ovaries and she said my uterus was diseased and couldn't function. This was the first time that someone told me there was an issue with my female productive system and it was actually nice to hear. It was nice in the fact that obviously there was a problem, yet every time I went to the OBGYN they kept doing different tests and said everything looked just fine and they thought they would see me back in a few months pregnant. Well that never happened and nothing the doctors tried worked. I tried everything except invitro which is a $15,000 or more process. Nancy gave me some homeopathics and herbal liquids and supplements to repair and strengthen the week parts of my body. She also encouraged me strongly to change my diet and to eat more healthy meals and food. I needed to eat a lot more fresh vegetables and fruit then I normally do. I tried really hard to follow her plan with everything she gave me to give her program a fair shot.

In September I had bled for 52 days straight and was starting to get really worried and was wondering what was going on. I tried to get a hold of Nancy to let her know what was going on and to see what I should do. She was out of town and I couldn't reach her but I thought I needed to get the bleeding to stop. I called the nurse at my OBGYN's office and she said to come pick up birth control pills and to take it for 30 days and that would stop the bleeding. I picked it up, brought it home and just did not feel good about taking birth control even for one day when I was trying to get pregnant. I just didn't feel good about that. Finally Nancy called me back and told me most definitely not to take the pills and that it would mess up her program. She said it was good that I was bleeding because that meant my body was cleaning out all the toxins and bad stuff from my body. She did agree that I didn't need to be bleeding that much and she suggested a healthy homeopathic to stop the bleeding. I ordered it, but ended up stopping the next day without having to even use it. The amazing thing is that after those 52 days of bleeding, I conceived right after that on September 9th! Could you imagine if I would have taken that birth control pill? How awful would that have been! I give all the credit to Nancy for making my body healthy and for getting me pregnant. That means with only 2 1/2 months of taking her natural healthy supplements, I got pregnant!

Nancy has stressed to me how important eating healthy is and that what we eat really effects our health. I am trying hard to eat really healthy to give my baby the healthy nutrients he needs. Whatever I eat goes straight to the baby and I want to make sure I take good care of the little sweetie. I would love it if my baby really enjoyed and preferred to eat vegetables and fruits and healthy stuff rather than all the junk that is out there that is harmful to our bodies. I am going to try really hard to do my part to give my baby a successful and positive start to this life without health problems or sickness as much as I can. How great would that be to not even have the desire to eat candy and sweets and junk food? To not feel like you are depriving yourself or sacrificing, but to actually not enjoy the junk and to prefer healthy snacks. I think that would be great if it were me!

Baby moving all around today!

I went to the temple with my friend Michelle and during our session I put my hands on my tummy and kept feeling the baby moving all around, it was so cute! I love feeling the movement of this sweet little boy! I love him so much already and can't wait until we can see him in person and get to hold him in my arms. I am going to cherish every moment of this. I want to try my hardest to give this baby every positive experience and opportunity that I can. I am going to love and adore this new addition to our family.

I am pregnant!

Ok, so I should have written this post 3 months ago when I learned the news but I guess I have been too happy and excited to write and too busy living! (well, that is my excuse anyway)So let me update you on the great news...

In December 2011 I had noticed a few changes in my body, like a small lump in my stomach and also my chest seemed bigger.(which is always a good thing to have happen:) So on December 6th, I decided to take a pregnancy test because I was beginning to wonder if maybe, possibly I was pregnant. I have had so many false pregnancy symptoms before and false tests that I was still kind of expecting yet another negative test. I had told myself I wasn't going to take another pregnancy test until I was getting several days of morning sickness that seemed more sure that I might be pregnant. I had one more unused test in my drawer, so I decided to just take the test so I wouldn't have to wonder any more. I took the test and within a matter of seconds two dark red lines appeared! I have never seen two lines appear! I was so excited and shocked and couldn't believe my eyes! No way could this be happening. Me being pregnant was like winning the lottery, it has been such a long and hard journey that it just didn't ever seem like it would happen for me. But low and behold, after almost 8 years of marriage and 6.5 of those trying hard to have a baby, I am finally pregnant! I couldn't wait to tell Stu, so I ran into the living room and grabbed a box and wrapping paper under the Christmas tree and did a horrible wrapping job and told Stu he had to open the present right now. He opened the present and saw the positive pregnancy test and his eyes got real big, his jaw dropped and he looked at me with disbelief and down at the test and back at me. He said are you serious? and then gave me a big hug. We went straight to the OBGYN and got tested there to make sure it wasn't a false test. They said I was for sure pregnant! They scheduled us a visit to come back on Dec. 13th for an ultrasound to see how far along we were. We went to Village Inn for brunch to celebrate and you couldn't wipe the grins off our faces!

December 13th 2011
We went to the OBGYN to get an ultrasound and were expecting to see a little bean on the screen. To our amazement, the baby was very defined and you could see it's little legs, arms, pop belly, and the cutest little face! You could see it's forehead, nose and little lips. It was the cutest thing ever! Stu says there was dust in the room which is why he teared up, and as for my reaction, I just couldn't stop smiling, I was so excited to see that! We were both very shocked at how defined and clear the image of the baby was and were wondering how far along we actually were. The ultrasound tech said we were 12.5 weeks along! I had been three months pregnant and had no idea! She told us we are due on June 24th, 2012. Everyone asks me how I could be that far along and have no idea I was pregnant. A big reason is that I have never had a regular period and always go 50 days, 80 days, 60 days or whatever without having a cycle, so that wasn't anything new for me. I also had been so healthy and hadn't had any morning sickness, so how would I have known? It's pretty cool to find out you are already three months pregnant and that there is less than 1% chance of miscarriage. Can't complain about that one! We decided since Christmas was in less than two weeks, that we would tell both of our families our exciting news at our family get together on Christmas Eve. It was funny because almost right after I found out I was pregnant I got morning sickness each morning when I woke up for about one week and that was it. I haven't had any weird cravings or sickness or anything. It's been a really smooth pregnancy so far!

December 24th 2011; Christmas Eve
We got together with my family at my sister April's house in Saratoga Springs. It was the perfect time to tell the family because all of the family was together and no one was expecting anything. We always get together for a family picture at Christmas time while we are all together and we set up the camera on a tripod to get us all in the picture. I set the camera on video record instead of camera mode and Stu gave my mom the ultrasound picture and said, "while she is getting that set up, check out this picture" My mom looked at it a few times and then screamed at the top of her lungs several times. The rest of the family didn't know what was going on or why she was screaming. They thought she got bit by a spider or something. I told her to show them the picture and so they knew what she was looking at. It was so priceless to see each family member's initially reaction to the news on the video camera. Jamie started crying immediately and gave me a big hug. Jamie's 9 month old Curtis started crying because my mom's loud scream scared him. My dad started raising his arms in the air up and down like he was cheering for a football or basketball game. It was so cute! I took off the Christmas shirt I was wearing and had a white shirt on underneath that had printed on the belly, "Miracle in Progress"

An uplifting thought about our life experiences

Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself. All the events in our lives lead to other events, and all that we have manifested in this present moment is the result of past events and experiences. We cannot easily tease apart the many threads that have been woven together to create our current reality. Experiences that don’t make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as "good."

This is especially important to remember at times when we feel directionless or unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having...

It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems...Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present. Life is full of buried treasures. Chances are, you’re sitting on some right now....

A new outlook

I realized I haven't written anything for a couple months and am not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. No actually I am pretty sure it's a good thing because rumor has it that no news is good news right? I heard a conference talk recently from Elder Deiter F. Uchtdorf and he had some really good words of wisdom (as usual) that I have decided to take to heart. He said we need to stop waiting for our "golden ticket" to be happy. The one thing in life we want more than anything. We sometimes focus on and are only looking for Roses or big exotic flowers that we miss out on all the beautiful tiny "forget me not" flowers along the way. Or basically the joys, blessings, and things made available to us along the way. That was basically the gist of it. It was quite impactful for me and I highly recommend this to anyone and everyone. I think most of us struggle with this at different times in our lives.

Here is the link to the fabulous article:
http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/forget-me-not?lang=eng&query=*+(name%3a%22Dieter+F.+Uchtdorf%22)

It's not to say that our struggles and trials are not extremely difficult and challenging, but it's amazing how powerful our minds are and if we are willing to change our outlook or perspective on the situation, it changes everything and adds a whole new level of positivity to the situation. I have been so focused on the baby issue and how I am so frustrated and dissapointed that we have had to wait so long and still have nothing to show for it, that I have overlooked all the many wonderful things we do have.

Right now me and the hubby are going to put time and energy into what we have control over. We are basically checking off everything possible on our "bucket list" and making some great memories and living to have no regrets. We are going to have fun right now on vacations, interests, home remodeling and whatever else we feel like. If it's not the right time for us to bring children into our home then we are not going to sit here and whine and complain about what we don't have. We have a great relationship and we have fun together and both enjoy taking risks and being adventurous. My husbands younger brother and his wife are due in February with their third child and rather than be bummed in the month of February for something we have no control over, we figured lets go to Hawaii for a week with my cousin and her hubby! Now that it something we have control over and rather than dread February we can look forward to it and get excited! Now that is what I am talking about. We are going to make the best of this discouraging situation and not play the victim, and depressing life card. We have a new spring in our step. There is something to be said about counting your blessings and being grateful for all that we have, for it truly could be worse!

Well that was short lived

I asked my cousin if he ended up talking with the birth mom and apparently her mom convinced her to keep the baby so they never ended up meeting together. I am not surprised. At this point it just seems too good too be true to ever get a baby anyway. It seems impossibly that anyone would let us adopt their baby. And it kind of feels like this is going to keep happening over and over again. False hopes, and nothing to show for it. But that's our life and I have just got to be ok with that.

Another potential birth mom?

My cousin called me and said his fiance has a cousin that is about 19 years old who is pregnant and is thinking about placing her baby for adoption. Apparently she does not want to keep the baby but her parents really want her to keep it and don't think she should "give it up." My cousin and his fiance are going to meet with her for lunch this week and talk to her about us and try and have her give us a call to talk to us or something like that. I think it's super cool my cousin has kept us in mind and is willing to pass along our info to help us out. It's weird though because I kind of feel like I am a little numb to everything. I don't know how to act or what to think about any of this stuff. It just seems too good to be true that we would ever get a baby this way. It seems so foreign; adoption, that some girl would give a complete stranger her baby and not keep it herself. Even if she thinks she doesn't want to keep the baby from the get go, it just seems like ultimately once the baby is born she would see that perfect innocent baby in her arms and want to keep it, or the parent's would convince her that she needs to keep it. Either way, It is hard to get excited about any of it because it could change at any given moment up until 8 hours after she has her baby and signs away her rights to the child.

She is only a couple months along so she has a long way to go. Even if this birth mom chooses us as her adoptive couple right away, I don't know if that's going to be exciting or more torture waiting 7-8 months until she has the child. This process is so ridiculously difficult to go through words just can't describe it. I kind of want to cry for anyone going through this adoption process. I definitely can say I feel their pain and it is an awful feeling.

This life has taught me that I really have no control and the nice smooth plan that makes sense in my head and the plan that I think is going to happen or that I work for, often doesn't come to pass. The course is a lot different than I could have imagined. It will be interesting to see how this meeting goes this week and to see what happens. I guess we will see if this is the third wild goose chase that leads to a dead end. In the meantime through each of these experiences there will be disappointment and heartache involved, no matter how much I try to keep my heart out of it, a little piece of my heart breaks when it doesn't pan out.

Blah, everything is just bla

My husband nailed it tonight when we both looked at each other with discouragement and I asked him what was up. He said, Blah, everything is just blah and I can't seem to shake it. That is exactly how I have been feeling lately. We are 100% on the same page. The most frustrating part is that I am trying to find joy in my life but ultimately at the end of the day, everything is just blah.

The hubby is quite frustrated as well. When we first started the adoption classes we were excited about getting involved and meeting some new people without kids, in the same crappy situation we are in. We heard about a really good adoption seminar that is next weekend and everyone told us it was well worth going to. Well, I asked the hubby if he wanted to go, and he immediately said, "nope". After having the two birth mom's that had emailed us just dissapear on us out of the blue and ignored our emails and questions we just don't feel any hope that anything is going to work for us anytime soon. I don't blame him, I pretty much feel the same way. We are so burnt out from putting so much effort into this whole mess of a situation just to turn around and get our hopes up, we would rather just do nothing at this point. I mean can you blame us? For the past 5 years out of the 7, 12 months a year we have been putting effort into starting our family and every month it has been a dissapointment. That is a lot of months of pain and tears and frustration. People say don't give up, but honestly, what do you expect?

Just awesome, younger sister in law pregnant with her third

So I just found out my younger sister in law is pregnant with her third. All of my family is done having kids and this is the last brother on my husband's side who is still growing their family and this is number three for them. They mentioned a couple months ago they were starting to try again and of course a couple months after trying they got pregnant. How would that be? I apparently will never know the feeling. It's gotten to the point that "discouraged" just doesn't seem to do justice for what me and the hubby are feeling, maybe hopeless. I am pretty sure with the way things are going, every friend, family member and neighbor we know will have all of their kids before we even get started. Bringing a baby into our home just feels too good to be true and like something that will never happen to us. I am so burnt out of this situation that we are in, that I don't even want to be around kids anymore. I don't even want to visit my sisters or friends that have kids because I am so dang sick of not fitting in and being able to relate that I don't want to have anything to do with any of them. (This sounds awful and of course a little exagerated, but pretty close to what I am feeling right now.) I have been patient for so long, that I am just done. It's official, I give up. I don't even want to spend any more of my energy trying new fertility treatments or pushing adoption stuff or anything. I just feel like to matter what I try is just going to give me false hopes and not lead to anything any way so why waste my time and money and energy into getting my hopes up. That just sounds sucky to me. Just like this whole freaking situation. It's bull crap, it really is.

Life is not fulfilling. There is nothing I can substitute in place of this need I have of having children starting our family. I have been trying to keep busy working or making fun summer plans or vacationing or working out or just about anything I can think of to take my mind off how shitty this situation is for us, but at the end of the day we both come home to an empty house and it's the same 'ol bump and grind every day. Just another day of work and occasional couple day camp out. I have been patient for a really long time and unfortunately I have nothing left and I can't figure out how to fix that problem.

This is my life and I just have to deal with it, so there you have it. Congratulations to all you people that get to have kids so easily, I am so happy for you. (sarcasm) This situation makes me realize why people self medicate. I have never gone through anything so deflating, discouraging, depressing, upsetting, so impossible or hopeless in my entire life. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. It feels like cruel and unusual punishment that won't seem to ever end!

I just don't know what to do with myself

What do you do when life just isn't satisfying no matter how hard you try? Our 7 year anniversary is this week and I love my husband dearly but the same bump and grind every day is really starting to put me in the dumps. We have been trying to start our family for the past 5-6 years, not months but years and nothing. I personally feel like I have been trying hard to make the most out of my life and just take advantage of the opportunities that come my way to keep my spirits up, but unfortunately I can't find anything to focus my time and energy on that I enjoy. The job market sucks right now and I can't even seem to get interviews for jobs that I am interested in and I have a great resume. I am pretty dang good at interviewing too but I can't even get to that point. I am so burnt out from putting all my time and energy into working for someone else that I honestly have no desire and kind of dread getting a full time job somewhere that pays crap. I like being able to sleep in a bit and to have a little more flexibility. I have been working promotional jobs a lot on the weekends that pay pretty good and I enjoy doing those events, so that helps keep my sanity. But the problem is the week days when I am not working and the hubby is working and everyone else that has a real job. I don't know what to do with that time. So I am at home basically just cleaning up messes and doing dishes and laundry all day long and it's pretty much just depressing. And the only other people that are at home in the day are my neighbor friends that are stay at home moms that have all their kids running around and interrupting our conversation and it just gets annoying so I would rather not hang out with them....so I end up staying at home by myself cleaning up messes. So you would think, well when your neighbor friend's husbands get off work then they could watch the kids and I could have an adult conversation and just hang out with my friend, but the problem is they want to hang out as a family when their hubby gets off work so as you can see, I don't really fit in anywhere and it sucks really bad. This is my life day in and day out with no real satisfaction. Me and the hubby will go on a fun ride on the four-wheeler or camping for the weekend or something which is fun in the moment, but when we get back, it's the same empty feeling like something is missing. It's really tough not knowing how long I am going to have to live with this feeling. I understand that a baby will come to me in the Lord's time and not my time frame but it doesn't change the fact that my days are empty and although I am married, I still feel lonely and unfulfilled. I don't know if this makes sense to anybody but myself but it's my honest feelings and I don't want anyone to try and make me feel better because there is nothing that anyone can say or do that I haven't already thought about. It is what it is and there is no changing the situation. I just have to learn to deal with it and that is what I am trying real hard to figure out.

I have no motivation to workout or to do projects or crafts or anything. I have no goals and don't know what I want for myself. I am trying so hard to find something to put my focus on but all I want is a baby to love, take care of and enjoy every moment with. I just don't know how long I am going to have to wait for or what other hard things I am going to have to deal with before I get to that point. It really sucks more than words can describe. I am sick of people telling me that I just have to trust in God and know that it will happen when it's supposed to. I already know this. I have a strong testimony and I get it. I really do. But I can't help the fact that my days are not fulfilling or satisfying to me no matter how hard I try to take my mind off what is missing in my life and focus on what I do have. It just makes me feel guilty that something is wrong with me and that I am a very negative person that can't focus on my blessings. I am an achiever and I need goals or hobbies to work towards. I put 100% in everything I do, but I don't have anything to put my focus on. I keep brainstorming lots of different ideas, but none seem to get me excited or make me feel passionate about it; and that is the missing key.

False Hopes

Well, it looks official. Birth mom #2 hasn't responded for a couple months and she just posted a couple posts on her blog which said she is planning on being a single parent and sharing custody with her x-husband. She found out she is having a girl. It pretty much just made me weak after reading her posts. I am so deflated words can't even describe this feeling. I almost don't even want to waste my breathe or time thinking about it because it is what it is. Nothing is going to change my situation or help me get a baby any faster. I thought everything was lining up just perfectly. A girl that is so open and honest that could be our birth mom, the baby being born mid November a few months before the tax credit, a month before Christmas for the best Christmas present ever. She is having a baby girl which is what I want so badly. Of course this is too much to ask. Why would I even dare think I deserve to have everything fall into place with all the little bonuses involved. Apparently I shouldn't get what I want that easily. 5-6 years is not long enough to be trying for a baby. Who cares if my life has no meaning and is unsatisfying. Who cares that she made comments that gave us false hopes, that's just the way it is.

Why waste any more of my time talking about something that is not going to happen. I have nothing else to say.

one month and no response

It's been about a month now with no response from the birth mom. We have sent 2 emails and asked questions, but haven't gotten any response back. It gets kind of frustrating when you feel like you are being ignored. I would feel a little better if she just said she needed some space to try and make up her mind and that she would email and let us know when she has decided. But instead nothing. I don't know if that means she is planning on keeping the baby and she doesn't have the guts to tell us, and is never going to respond to us again, or if this is her way of letting us know she isn't decided, but will get back with us when she is ready. She has been so open and honest this entire time, I would have never guessed she would just leave us hanging.

So we might be back to square one in the waiting process yet again. Bum deal, bum deal. :(

Haven't had a response for awhile

We were feeling really good after that last email we got but now we haven't heard anything for awhile. It's hard to not get discouraged and lose hope because ya just never know what is going to happen. And the fact that her due date is so far out (end November) there is a lot of time for her to change her mind or for her ex-husband to decide he wants to raise the baby rather than have someone else adopt it. We sent her an email on May 25th but haven't got any response back. I don't know if I should just wait until she responds or send her another short email. If I do send her an email I just don't even know what to say so I don't know what the point is of that. I wish I had something to motivate me to work hard or get my house and life in order but I just feel so unmotivated to do pretty much anything productive. I work a lot better if I have a deadline or goal to reach, but unfortunately I have nothing to work for right now. I am so past ready for a baby it's not even funny. It's the same lame crap every day: Sleep in, make me food which I hate doing, check my emails, check online to see if there are any promotional jobs (which is slow so there usually isn't anything)do the dishes, clean up the clutter and wish I were motivated to work on my home tending business. I work from home, so I don't get to interact with people all that often which is something I need. My life just seems so blah and it has been for way too long. I have no good friends where I live, which sucks. I know some cool people but they all have kids and sometimes I just want to spend time with other adults and have a conversation without a kid interrupting every 5 seconds in the middle of my thought or story.

This journey sucks and I am sick of having to be so patient all the time while 95% of people have this come so easily to them. Or if that is too much to ask, I wish I had a friend that I could relate to and spend time with so I could at least try and enjoy my life right now. But unfortunately I don't see that happening either, so I guess I will just have to be my own best friend and spend time by myself which I should be used to because a lot of my life I have had to do this.

Just got an amazing email from the birth mom!

So today is a better day, yeah! We just got an amazing email from the birth mom and things are looking hopeful. Some of the things she put in her email were really cool and promising. It's weird because this whole time she let us know that she hasn't decided if she is going to keep the baby or not but if she does place it, she would place with us. So she hasn't told us 100% if she is going to place with us, but the most recent email we got from her almost sounded like she assumed we knew that she was. It was pretty crazy in a very good way!

These are the parts of the email that stood out the most to me:
"I actually have a ultra sound on Tuesday. They want to take measurements of the baby, and so I will have pictures to send to you. I will be 14 weeks on Monday, so a month and a half to find out what the gender of the baby is! Are you guys interested in knowing, and do you want some ultra sound pics on Tuesday?"

Her last paragraph said:
"When I heard the babies heart beat it was so amazing, but to be honest I don't feel like the baby was mine. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I almost feel like the baby is here at this crazy time to help benefit some one's life other then mine. I really don't know why I am telling you all of this, but I think it is kind of important. So if you guys would allow me to, and the child was okay with it, I would like to be involved. And have a couple visits a year? I just wanted to let you guys know what was going on in my life."

Needless to say, we are excited for Tuesday and to see pictures! We really want to meet this girl in person and can't wait for that day. So when that happens, you will definitely know about it!

This is officially the hardest trial I have ever had

This adoption process has got to be the hardest most crappiest thing I have ever had to go through. It feels like the trial that is never going to end. So you spend years trying on your own to get pregnant and then when you finally figure out that isn't working you spend years trying everything the doctors have to offer and every other person's suggestion and realize that also isn't going to work. So after the days and months and years of tears and false hopes and disappointments, you get to start the adoption process when you are already physically and emotionally drained. And to get approved with the adoption process you have to answer a billion personal questions and get original documents of every major event in your life. Once you survive all that heartache you get to sit online and wait for a birth mom to email you wanting to get to know you. So you email back and forth a bunch of times and get hopeful and excited about that and then you don't hear from her again. So another birth mom emails you and you get excited because the conversation is going really well and she says she really has a good feeling about you and then you don't hear from her for awhile and you wonder if she is going to disappear like the fist birth mom you were speaking too. You try really hard to not get too hopeful because nothing may show from this but honestly it's not possible to have no feelings or emotions during this process. When you don't hear back from her for awhile you wonder if you scared her off or said something wrong in your last email and you just have no idea what she is thinking. And you realize it's all about her right now and she has all the control and it's all on her time frame and up to her what she chooses to do, but in the meantime you are strung along in the process of her ups and downs and how and when she chooses to respond to you.

Can I just tell you it is so emotionally draining! I just want to give up and say screw it and let the birth moms know just don't email me or talk to me until you have decided you for sure want to place your baby with us. (and of course this is my defense mechanism that is responding this way) It's just really hard to put yourself on the line and to build an attachment and a relationship with a girl that will most likely never talk to you again the moment she decides to keep her baby. It's freaking hard and I wouldn't wish this trial on my worst enemy. It breaks my heart for anyone going through this because it's devastating. And it's always a long journey and a lot of years of this devastation before anything comes to show for it.

Another hard part of the process is seeing your own nieces and nephews that are so adorable and look just like their own mom or dad and have some of the same quirks and features. My husband was the most adorable baby ever and I have always told him I want our own baby boy to look just like him. And you see other family members and friends who compare their own baby pictures with their baby's pictures and they look identical. There are so many things like that which are discouraging to think about.
However, we are so grateful for the adoption process which at least gives us the opportunity to raise children. We will be so grateful and appreciative of "our birth mom" that we will want to do so much for her to show our appreciation. We are such generous, thoughtful and caring people that we already want to give her gifts and do things for her. We have so much love to give to our future baby and also our birth mom and we want to share that love already. It's hard to keep waiting and to have to be so patient not knowing when that day will come.

Today is a blah day

Today is simply put, a blah day. I don't want to do anything, talk to anybody or be social in any way. I just want to sit in front of the T.V. and waste the day away. However that is not so much an option. We are heading to SLC to a Michael McLean concert about adoption which should be fun, then heading to Orem for Mother's day. We haven't heard from birth mom #2 for about a week and we were really hoping to meet her on Saturday while we would be down in that area. We always look forward to getting her emails and it usually makes our day hearing from her, so I think that might be the reason for the downer. The hubby is having a blah day to and I think that is the main reason for both of us. She had mentioned she would like to meet in person and even said she could borrow a car to meet us somewhere sometime, so we let her know we would be down in a week on Saturday and would love to take her to lunch or to get some ice cream or whatever she happened to be craving at the time. We haven't heard back from her since that last email and it's been almost a week. It's hard because we don't know if she just got busy or if we scared her off. It's all on her terms and she is in control of everything. You try really hard to not get excited or read into anything, but it's hard because you have no idea what the other person is thinking. I just feel drained and unmotivated to do anything! so Blah!!!

The past couple weeks

The past couple weeks have been mostly good with a few downer days in there. It can be pretty random when I all of a sudden get sad. I was exercising with a friend the other day and it kind of brought up some emotions for me. I saw all these cute little kids running around and playing while we were exercising and I couldn't help but think, "gosh dang it, I want one! And I am really getting sick of waiting and being patient. It's enough already and it's getting real old real fast." I had to go outside and be alone and get some fresh air and tried to hold back the tears.

We have been emailing back and forth with birth mom #2 but hadn't heard from her for several days. Even the hubby started getting down and bummed out that we hadn't heard from her for awhile. But then we finally got an email from her which boosted our spirits back up to par. Our relationship has being growing quite a bit through these emails. She is very sincere and open and honest which is refreshing. She says she wishes she could give us a definite answer of what she is going to do, but she has not yet decided. She says some really nice things in her emails and she told us she feels really good about us and knows we will be amazing parents. She is so mature for her age and is definitely going through some challenging times getting a divorce and being pregnant on top of that. And not only is she pregnant but she hasn't told the X yet, and will wait until her 12 week appointment which is in about two weeks.

From the relationship we have developed thus far, we would have no problem with having quite an open adoption and relationship. She lives just a couple exits away from my family and I would have no problem meeting up with her on my way down to visit my family and letting her see the baby. Also, her sister will be starting college in the fall where we live and we would have no problem if she came up to visit her sister, she could visit the baby as well. Everything would work out so well and it just seems to be lining up just perfectly. We really hope this works out and that this girl would be "our" birth mom. But again, you can't get too excited about anything because nothing is set in stone until the baby is in our arms. The fact that everything is lining up so well, it really would be devastating if it didn't work out. I am trying to stay neutral with my emotions knowing she could keep the baby, but you just can't help but feel hopeful knowing the situation would be perfect for all of us. For me, right now, it just feels right. Only time will tell if this intuition falls true or is completely false.

This really sucks!

I am really bummed out right now. It is so frustrating to know that I can't let myself get excited about anything during this adoption process. I can't get excited when a birth mom emails us to get to know us better because we don't know how many other couples she is emailing or what she is looking for in a couple. We can't get excited if she chooses us to place her baby because we don't know if she will change her mind during the process and decide to place with another couple. And we can't even get too excited when we go to the hospital to pick up the baby because we don't know if she will see her baby and decide to keep it. It just sucks! For the past 5 years I have wanted to feel that excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test and to be able to think of some fun surprise to tell my husband and family that I am pregnant. I have also wanted to get the 9 months that every other pregnant woman gets to prepare and see the growth and development of the baby and to feel that excitement. It is an extremely big and exciting time in one's life to know they are having a baby and starting a family and I can't let myself get excited until the baby is in my arms; that really sucks!

I think this is the beginning of a long emotional roller coaster

So we have been emailing birth mom number 2 a handful of times. For like two days in a row we emailed back and forth constantly and so I keep wanting to check my email over and over again to see if she responded back. Now it's been like two days and I haven't had a response. It's hard to know what to think because I don't know if she just got busy and she is still really interested in us or if her feelings changed and she doesn't think we are the right couple for her baby. It's hard because she isn't due until mid November so that's a lot of months that she could change her mind. It's hard to not try and think about what is going on in her head or try and figure out if she is interested or not. I know I have to be patient and that she is going through her own personal struggles right now and needs time to figure things out, I get all of that, but it's still hard.

Just got contacted from another birth mom!

So the first birth mom that contacted us, we were really excited to get an email response from the LDS website and to know that we were being found online. Although we responded over 25 times total through email, it just seemed weird that she never really asked questions about us or our parenting style or anything. I just never really felt like anything would come of this.

We just got an email from birth mom number 2 and from her very first email she asked great questions. She said she read through 40 different profiles online and she loved reading our profile and the getting to know us section. She said we are the only couple that she has contacted. She said she is going through a divorce and the soon to be x-husband doesn't even know she is pregnant. She said it is very important to know that we work together in all aspects of marriage and wanted to know what our parenting style would be. Although this is a hard question to answer, I love that she is asking great questions and truly wants the best for her baby. I already feel much better about this birth mom and like where this is going. She is 10 weeks along and due November 14th, 2011. She seems like an open person and has been sharing some good information about herself and a little about her situation. Her second email (last one so far)said she would be happy to send some pictures or her and the birth father if we were interested. And we said absolutely! that's awesome, way easier than trying to stock them on the internet or facebook to see some pictures! lol!!!

Went to baby blessing today

I went with my hubby to his best friend's baby blessing and I was all fine with going and in a good mood, but I kind of just got bummed out and a little sad right after the blessing. I am usually in a good place with stuff like this but some days I just can't help it and It puts me in a funk. I just got to sleep it off and should be good to go tomorrow!

Adoptive couples waiting on the LDS Family Services website

Here are the stats of the number of couples waiting to get placements:
947 as of 4/10/11
928 as of 4/17/11
919 as of 4/18/11
908 as of 4/20/11
915 as of 5/1/11

Another response from the birth mom

Last weekend a birth mom emailed us to get to know us better and we corresponded back and forth about 20 times within a couple days and then it all pretty much just stopped. I figured she wasn't really interested in us anymore or didn't feel like we were the right fit for her baby and I kind of closed the door on that option. But I just got an email from her saying, "Hope your weekend is going good!!" and that was it. I was really surprised when I saw she had sent a new email. It was short and sweet. you would think I would happy that she is still in contact, but the sad thing is that after reading it, I'm all bummed out now. I really really don't want to be pulled along in the process if it's not going to lead to anywhere. I understand that birth mom's are going to need to email us to get to know us better and she might then decide that we are not the right fit which is totally understandable and I am OK with that. But what is the point of that last email, "Hope your weekend is going good!!" She doesn't ask any questions about us and hasn't through pretty much any of her emails. This whole process just seems weird. If she is really serious about placing her baby with us or if it's not a good possibility, then I wish we could cut the strings and stop the contact right now. If she is interested in us and is thinking she wants to place with us, I would still rather not get any more emails unless she has questions that relate to her placing the baby or if she is ready to place. It's really hard to have some small contact not knowing if it's going to lead to anything or not. Now that she sent another email out of the blue, and I responded back I feel like I should check my email often to see if she emailed back.

You would think I would be happy with another response, but unfortunately I am not. I just really don't want to get my hopes up. I want to live my life and be able to focus on the things I can control and not get my thoughts all worked up and confused with things I cannot control.

Just got our first email from a birth mom!

Over the weekend I got an email from a birth mom who wanted to get to know us better. At first, we were really excited but we thought we better not get too excited because we didn't want to get our hopes up as we have heard of scams out there. We emailed back and forth about 10 times each it was fun. We both like hip hop dancing and did dance in high school. I was checking my email constantly to see if she had responded and I was thrilled every time I saw she had responded and I would instantly write her back.

I went back through and read all the emails again and realized she had only asked a couple questions about us in the first couple emails. She wanted to know what part of Utah we lived in and also if we had any pets. That were all the questions she asked and the rest of the time I was asking her questions and she was answering. It was really exciting at first but I don't think she is interested anymore. I know she was looking at a bunch of profiles and other couples and we weren't the only ones. But towards the end I realized she was just answering my questions probably to be nice but wasn't going out of her way to ask me/us any questions. So, we are not feeling too promising about this birth mom, but it's good to know that we are being found online and getting some response. She is almost 33 weeks along and is for sure placing her baby, but it seems like we are not the right fit.

Our profile is officially online!

It's official, we have finally done our part and our profile is online, yeah! Now it is pretty much out of our hands and more in the Lord's hands on when our baby should come to us. It will be interesting to see how long it takes now that birth mom's can view our information online. It feels good to have all the work done and to be qualified. Our case worker says the average wait is around 2 years, but you really never know. It could take longer than that or it could happen quicker, so we will see what happens for us.

I wrote a thank you email to a birth mother that spoke to us at the panel about a month ago and asked her for advice on a couple things. She responded to my email yesterday and said we should make some pass along cards and she would pass them to people she knows who are pregnant. I thought that was way cool she offered to do that, what a sweet girl!

Our case worker just did the home inspection

It's been a lot of work but we are finally about finished with all the paperwork needed to get our adoption profile online so birth mom's can start looking at our profile. Our case worker came over a couple days ago and did the house check and she said they have to do a final review of all our stuff but their goal is to have our profile online next week! We are really excited to have our part done. It has taken a very long time and it has been a lot of work to complete everything and jump through all the hoops to get approved but we are finally there. It will be interesting to see how long the waiting process is until we get our baby. Our case worker doesn't think it will be that long for us since we are a cute and fun couple. She thinks 6-12 months maybe, but of course no one knows. It's up to the birth mom to decide on that one. I am just happy to know that our part is done and now it's in the Lord's hands on when the right time is. We don't want just any baby, but the right one that is going to succeed in our home and that we can benefit the most.

Stu called me later in the day after the case worker left and said she wanted us to hurry and check the final review button online on our profile so they could pass our info on to a birth mom that was in their office at that moment. She wanted to send our info on with a few other couples that she could look at and review this weekend. We thought that was really cool! There is a good chance it nothing will come from it, but just the fact that the case worker is thinking of us and thinks we are a good option and is passing our info onto a birth mom, that is all we can ask. The more times that scenario happens, the more likely things are to work out for us. So we shall see. I will post the day our profile goes "LIVE"

Met with our case worker and working on birth mother letter

We met with our case worker and had our interviews with her this past week. She set up a time next week to come and do a house check. It's nice we are making progress and getting closer to getting our profile up online. We are currently working on the birth mother letter which is taking quite a long time. It's hard because you want it to sound just right and you don't want it to be misinterpreted by the birth mom's that are reading it. There is a limited amount of space so what you write needs to be to the point and accurately portray who you are as a couple. It's tricky and hard to know what she wants to hear from you and to see it from her eyes/perspective. It's a lot of editing and re editing and reworking. Needless to say we are ready to have this part completed. It kind of hurts my brain thinking about it. We are also working on the photo album which has 24 pictures and a description underneath each picture.

Adoption panel with birth mothers

So today happens to be my 29th birthday and the hubby and I just got back from another one of our adoption classes and this one was the panel with guest speakers. The first half of the class we heard from 3 different couples that had adopted a child/children. It was interesting to hear their different stories about how their baby's came to them and how they new that the baby they received was supposed to be their baby they were to raise. The second half of the class there were two young birth mom's a 16 year old and a 19 year old that shared the experience and how hard it was for them to place their child and to not keep it. It was very eye opening to hear from their own perspective what exactly the emotions and struggles they went through to let that baby go.

The first girl said she was from a strong LDS family, was the Laurel class president and had a strong testimony of the church. She had a boyfriend and made a mistake and got pregnant and was having a really hard time trying to decide if she should keep the baby and raise it herself or place the baby through adoption. She knew she would be a good mom and would love the baby, but she also knew that she couldn't give that baby everything they deserved and also couldn't provide it with stability and a mother AND a father. She decided to go through the adoption process and wanted to find a family that was also from Utah so it would be closer and easier to have communication and occasional visits. She reviewed all the profiles and prayed about each one, but just didn't feel good or get a "yes" answer to any of them. She ended up looking out of state and finally got the "yes" answer she was looking for.

It makes me feel really good to know that some of these birth mom's are truly using the spirit in placing their child in the right home with the right family. It makes me feel good that when we get a child, it won't just be any child but the one that is "ours" and supposed to come to our home and that it is all part of the plan and meant to be.

So this is where I am at in the process. At first and honestly up until I think today, I kept having in the back of my mind the hopes that even along this journey I would still be able to get pregnant or maybe adopt the first one and then get pregnant. But now I think I am looking at it through different eyes. I know I am a strong person and a compassionate person and I know I could handle getting my children through the adoption process and working well with the extra dynamic of a birth mother/family and adding that relationship to the mix. I also know we could handle any questions that might arise when the child grows older and asks certain questions, and also not take offense when people word things the wrong way or don't know how to say the right things.

This definitely isn't the journey that I thought I would be taking or that most people end up taking, but in all actuality I know this is something that could extremely bless my life as well as the baby's and the birth mother. I am just grateful there is another avenue to bring children into this world when creating your own isn't an option. I still don't know what is entail for the hubby and I, but I at least know and have faith that whatever happens and whatever route is taken being smooth or rough, I know that is the route that I personally need to take in order to strengthen myself or someone else.

The Language of Adoption

in our adoption class, we learned about terms that you should and should not use when referencing an adopted child. Some times people don't think about the things they say or even realize how offensive certain words can be. These are words to think about before you say the wrong thing.

1.What a birth mother does:
Positive: makes an adoption plan, places her baby for adoption, legally released, voluntary release, choose to parent, terminate parental rights
Negative: Gives her baby away, gave her baby up, choose to keep

2. Parent labels:
Positive: Biological parent, adoptive parents(mother-father), birth parents
Negative: Real mother, natural parent

3. Child labels
Positive: My child, biological child, child who is adopted, birth child, child from abroad, child with special needs(the terms biological and adopted can become negative labels when used constantly)
Negative: My adopted child, natural child, real child, illegitimate, unwanted child, foreign child, hard-to-place, handicapped

4. The situation or condition
Positive: child born outside of marriage, child born to a single person (divorced, single, unmarried, unwed mother), child born to parents that want a better life for their child
Negative: Illegitimate child, unwanted child, bastard, child taken away

5. Communication with the birth parents:
Positive: Your child (before placement when speaking with birth parents), our child usually the child's name is used instead of placing ownership
Negative: My child (shows ownership on either side; although birth parents will often say this before and sometimes even after placement; appropriate term for parents to use with others outside adoption triad)

6. What Adoptee and birth parents may do:
Positive: Search, locate, make contact with
Negative: Search for "real" parents, track down parents, reunion

Just had our second adoption class

The hubby and I just got back from our 2nd adoption class. It was good. There are 4 couples in our group and tonight we all went around in a circle and talked about our experience with infertility. We also talked about the grief cycle that we all go through and where each of us are at in that cycle. I think right now I am just ready to get all of the work done and get our part finished, so it can be more in the Lord's hands when the right baby is supposed to come to us. It's hard because I feel like I want to hurry and get everything done as soon as possible, but my hubby is just dragging his feet. There is some paperwork he needs to get done, that he seems to be just dragging his feet on, and the part that sucks is there is nothing I can do about that. There is always some excuse, either being he's too busy working or when he gets home from work, he wants to just veg out and watch TV because he has worked hard all day, or he is sick or not in the mood or whatever. There is always a reason to why he doesn't want to do it. So in the mean time I am just sitting in limbo waiting for him to "get in the mood." It's hard to have to depend on someone all the time when they don't feel the same way you do or don't feel the same kind of urgency that you do. That's the hardest part right now. I had an idea in my head when we would have our part done, and the way things are going, it's going to be a lot longer than that. In this process if there's not one thing you are struggling with it's another. It just feels like there is always a struggle. We have a class this Saturday where some birth mom's are going to talk from their experience. so that should be really eye opening. I will let you know how that goes in a couple days. It will actually be on my birthday-29.

Another avenue for starting our family

So, obviously getting pregnant on my own is not the right avenue for me, so thank goodness there is another option to start our family. Who knows how long it will take but at least there is another avenue to bring a special spirit into this world. Hubby and myself decided we should go through LDS Family Services and try to adopt a child. We first met with our case worker and started the process almost a year ago, started the paperwork process and ultimately got defeated. I hit an emotional road block when I realized, "wow, this is an exhausting process and a lot of work time involved and they are asking me very detailed questions about every aspect of my life and it's pretty intense." It was hard knowing that a girl that doesn't use protection one night can get pregnant that one time and not even want the baby and I have to give every detail about my life and spend hours, days, and months just to get the process started to try and get a baby.

Here are some of the things we have to do to get started: meet with caseworker, fill out application, get a bishop's reference letter, get previous taxes and financial information, fill out online questionare asking about just about everything in your life including, parent's hobbies, hair color, eye color, height, education background, work history, siblings physical features and education and work background, strengths of spouse and weaknesses of spouse etc. Background check, medical report, OBGYN letter about infertility treatments, certified copy of birth certificates for husband and wife, certified copies of marriage license and sealing certificate, drivers license, social security cards. And then after you fill out that long intensive all inclusive questionare, you have to do it again in a word document so it reads like a story and ends up being around 10 pages. Then you write a letter to the birth mother that is published online, put together a 24 picture photo album, answer get to know you questions about yourself that also goes online to what books you like to read, what music you listen to, favorite food etc.
Then we have adoption classes to learn more about the process and the experience. Another step is the case worker with meet with my and hubby together and then meet with us separately and ask about our parenting styles, she will also come to our house and do a home check.

At first I am thinking, "ok, I just need to get all this paperwork finished and jump through all these hoops, then I can know my part is done and put it in the Lord's hands and wait for a call that we have a baby waiting for us." Well, we went to our first adoption class last night and I fear that I am sorely mistaken. I got a reality check when I heard about birth mom's that will call you and want to meet with you to get to know you better, but she has also called 4 other couples and is trying to pick the best fit. So you can't get your hopes up there. Than there is the story that the birth mom picks you and you pay all the expenses to go out of state or wherever to pick up the baby at the hospital, and she decides she wants to keep the baby. So you drive home with newborn diapers and an empty care seat and formula staring you in the face knowing you are going to an empty house and starting the waiting process all over again. I am pretty sure I will have lots more tears to shed over this experience. I try real hard not to get my hopes up sometimes, but that is just easier said than done. The teacher of this class also mentioned that the average wait for a baby is 1 1/2 to 2 years and they are currently experiencing a lot less baby's being adopted because single birth moms have decided to keep their babies.

Intro to my infertility

I have come to realize this is probably going to be quite the journey for me, so I should probably document the process and my feelings along the way. Hopefully this will help me get through the process a little better.

There have been a lot of ups and downs so far with this journey of infertility. And I fear this is only the beginning of the emotional roller coaster. I have been married for almost 7 years and have been trying for 5-6 of those years to get pregnant with no luck. I have tried everything that the OBGYN doctor has suggested from ovulation kits, Chlomid, Metformin, Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), to artificial insemination. I have also tried every wive's tale or recommendation from standing on my head to foot zoning, essential oils, herbal pills and medicine, keeping track on the calendar, to a strict health diet and everything in between. I have tried everything except for In vitro which I just can't get myself to do. It costs between $15-20,000 and it doesn't work for everyone. There is no way I could pay that much money that I don't have and therefore be in debt paying a large bill every month with nothing to show for it. That is just one thing I know I personally can't handle.

The hardest part for me about not getting pregnant is seeing everyone else making it look so easy with one child right after another, and then you get those that don't even have to try. It's hard when you feel like you are ready on every different level, but yet it still doesn't happen. I think, "what am I waiting for? or what have I not learned yet that will help me get through this trial quicker?" I just don't know. I feel like for the most part I am good at keeping my feelings under control and I don't have to cry at every baby I see or at every baby blessing I go to. But some days are harder than others. I have found myself a couple of times getting sad and tearing up as I watched talent shows or reality shows with little kids with amazing voices or amazing dancers or gymnasts, and it makes me want a little child of my own that I could teach dance or gymnastics or sports and just play with them everyday and have so much fun with them teaching them positive things. There are occasions when I see a pregnant lady in the grocery store and am so envious of her and I find my mood just drops. I always tell myself I would never complain if I got pregnant abut the baby kicking in my tummy, or sleepless night or labor pain-because I would much rather feel that pain than the pain of no baby at all. I never thought in a million years that this would be my trial, yet here I am and I have no control over it.

The part that is rather annoying is that every single time I go to the OBGYN to have an ultrasound to see if I am ovulating, he says, "you are ovulating and everything looks great! Come back in three months if you are not pregnant! just go get busy!" and of course he is all optimistic and upbeat. I would rather him tell me there is a problem so we can fix that problem or let me know I can't get pregnant so that way I don't have that hope in the back of my mind. I also wouldn't have to be let down when my period starts or having a late period, feeling hopeful and then having yet another negative pregnancy test. Now I refuse to take a pregnancy test because I can't handle seeing one more negative sign; so I had gone 63 days with no period and hubby said I should take a test, I did, it was negative and I started two days later.

I am going to end this entry with an interesting thought that had never occurred to me. Hubby said to me, "ya know, maybe it's not about YOU. It's all about the baby and when the baby is supposed to come into this world. Maybe that baby needs to be born at a certain time so that they can serve their mission at a certain time of life, or find their eternal companion who is also not born yet. Timing is everything and the Lord knows what is best and also has an eternal plan that will all come together when the time is right and when/where our earthly mission should be fulfilled." Although this situation is difficult and I can't always hide the tears, that was an interesting way to look at it.