Well that was short lived

I asked my cousin if he ended up talking with the birth mom and apparently her mom convinced her to keep the baby so they never ended up meeting together. I am not surprised. At this point it just seems too good too be true to ever get a baby anyway. It seems impossibly that anyone would let us adopt their baby. And it kind of feels like this is going to keep happening over and over again. False hopes, and nothing to show for it. But that's our life and I have just got to be ok with that.

Another potential birth mom?

My cousin called me and said his fiance has a cousin that is about 19 years old who is pregnant and is thinking about placing her baby for adoption. Apparently she does not want to keep the baby but her parents really want her to keep it and don't think she should "give it up." My cousin and his fiance are going to meet with her for lunch this week and talk to her about us and try and have her give us a call to talk to us or something like that. I think it's super cool my cousin has kept us in mind and is willing to pass along our info to help us out. It's weird though because I kind of feel like I am a little numb to everything. I don't know how to act or what to think about any of this stuff. It just seems too good to be true that we would ever get a baby this way. It seems so foreign; adoption, that some girl would give a complete stranger her baby and not keep it herself. Even if she thinks she doesn't want to keep the baby from the get go, it just seems like ultimately once the baby is born she would see that perfect innocent baby in her arms and want to keep it, or the parent's would convince her that she needs to keep it. Either way, It is hard to get excited about any of it because it could change at any given moment up until 8 hours after she has her baby and signs away her rights to the child.

She is only a couple months along so she has a long way to go. Even if this birth mom chooses us as her adoptive couple right away, I don't know if that's going to be exciting or more torture waiting 7-8 months until she has the child. This process is so ridiculously difficult to go through words just can't describe it. I kind of want to cry for anyone going through this adoption process. I definitely can say I feel their pain and it is an awful feeling.

This life has taught me that I really have no control and the nice smooth plan that makes sense in my head and the plan that I think is going to happen or that I work for, often doesn't come to pass. The course is a lot different than I could have imagined. It will be interesting to see how this meeting goes this week and to see what happens. I guess we will see if this is the third wild goose chase that leads to a dead end. In the meantime through each of these experiences there will be disappointment and heartache involved, no matter how much I try to keep my heart out of it, a little piece of my heart breaks when it doesn't pan out.

Blah, everything is just bla

My husband nailed it tonight when we both looked at each other with discouragement and I asked him what was up. He said, Blah, everything is just blah and I can't seem to shake it. That is exactly how I have been feeling lately. We are 100% on the same page. The most frustrating part is that I am trying to find joy in my life but ultimately at the end of the day, everything is just blah.

The hubby is quite frustrated as well. When we first started the adoption classes we were excited about getting involved and meeting some new people without kids, in the same crappy situation we are in. We heard about a really good adoption seminar that is next weekend and everyone told us it was well worth going to. Well, I asked the hubby if he wanted to go, and he immediately said, "nope". After having the two birth mom's that had emailed us just dissapear on us out of the blue and ignored our emails and questions we just don't feel any hope that anything is going to work for us anytime soon. I don't blame him, I pretty much feel the same way. We are so burnt out from putting so much effort into this whole mess of a situation just to turn around and get our hopes up, we would rather just do nothing at this point. I mean can you blame us? For the past 5 years out of the 7, 12 months a year we have been putting effort into starting our family and every month it has been a dissapointment. That is a lot of months of pain and tears and frustration. People say don't give up, but honestly, what do you expect?

Just awesome, younger sister in law pregnant with her third

So I just found out my younger sister in law is pregnant with her third. All of my family is done having kids and this is the last brother on my husband's side who is still growing their family and this is number three for them. They mentioned a couple months ago they were starting to try again and of course a couple months after trying they got pregnant. How would that be? I apparently will never know the feeling. It's gotten to the point that "discouraged" just doesn't seem to do justice for what me and the hubby are feeling, maybe hopeless. I am pretty sure with the way things are going, every friend, family member and neighbor we know will have all of their kids before we even get started. Bringing a baby into our home just feels too good to be true and like something that will never happen to us. I am so burnt out of this situation that we are in, that I don't even want to be around kids anymore. I don't even want to visit my sisters or friends that have kids because I am so dang sick of not fitting in and being able to relate that I don't want to have anything to do with any of them. (This sounds awful and of course a little exagerated, but pretty close to what I am feeling right now.) I have been patient for so long, that I am just done. It's official, I give up. I don't even want to spend any more of my energy trying new fertility treatments or pushing adoption stuff or anything. I just feel like to matter what I try is just going to give me false hopes and not lead to anything any way so why waste my time and money and energy into getting my hopes up. That just sounds sucky to me. Just like this whole freaking situation. It's bull crap, it really is.

Life is not fulfilling. There is nothing I can substitute in place of this need I have of having children starting our family. I have been trying to keep busy working or making fun summer plans or vacationing or working out or just about anything I can think of to take my mind off how shitty this situation is for us, but at the end of the day we both come home to an empty house and it's the same 'ol bump and grind every day. Just another day of work and occasional couple day camp out. I have been patient for a really long time and unfortunately I have nothing left and I can't figure out how to fix that problem.

This is my life and I just have to deal with it, so there you have it. Congratulations to all you people that get to have kids so easily, I am so happy for you. (sarcasm) This situation makes me realize why people self medicate. I have never gone through anything so deflating, discouraging, depressing, upsetting, so impossible or hopeless in my entire life. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. It feels like cruel and unusual punishment that won't seem to ever end!