So today happens to be my 29th birthday and the hubby and I just got back from another one of our adoption classes and this one was the panel with guest speakers. The first half of the class we heard from 3 different couples that had adopted a child/children. It was interesting to hear their different stories about how their baby's came to them and how they new that the baby they received was supposed to be their baby they were to raise. The second half of the class there were two young birth mom's a 16 year old and a 19 year old that shared the experience and how hard it was for them to place their child and to not keep it. It was very eye opening to hear from their own perspective what exactly the emotions and struggles they went through to let that baby go.
The first girl said she was from a strong LDS family, was the Laurel class president and had a strong testimony of the church. She had a boyfriend and made a mistake and got pregnant and was having a really hard time trying to decide if she should keep the baby and raise it herself or place the baby through adoption. She knew she would be a good mom and would love the baby, but she also knew that she couldn't give that baby everything they deserved and also couldn't provide it with stability and a mother AND a father. She decided to go through the adoption process and wanted to find a family that was also from Utah so it would be closer and easier to have communication and occasional visits. She reviewed all the profiles and prayed about each one, but just didn't feel good or get a "yes" answer to any of them. She ended up looking out of state and finally got the "yes" answer she was looking for.
It makes me feel really good to know that some of these birth mom's are truly using the spirit in placing their child in the right home with the right family. It makes me feel good that when we get a child, it won't just be any child but the one that is "ours" and supposed to come to our home and that it is all part of the plan and meant to be.
So this is where I am at in the process. At first and honestly up until I think today, I kept having in the back of my mind the hopes that even along this journey I would still be able to get pregnant or maybe adopt the first one and then get pregnant. But now I think I am looking at it through different eyes. I know I am a strong person and a compassionate person and I know I could handle getting my children through the adoption process and working well with the extra dynamic of a birth mother/family and adding that relationship to the mix. I also know we could handle any questions that might arise when the child grows older and asks certain questions, and also not take offense when people word things the wrong way or don't know how to say the right things.
This definitely isn't the journey that I thought I would be taking or that most people end up taking, but in all actuality I know this is something that could extremely bless my life as well as the baby's and the birth mother. I am just grateful there is another avenue to bring children into this world when creating your own isn't an option. I still don't know what is entail for the hubby and I, but I at least know and have faith that whatever happens and whatever route is taken being smooth or rough, I know that is the route that I personally need to take in order to strengthen myself or someone else.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Language of Adoption
in our adoption class, we learned about terms that you should and should not use when referencing an adopted child. Some times people don't think about the things they say or even realize how offensive certain words can be. These are words to think about before you say the wrong thing.
1.What a birth mother does:
Positive: makes an adoption plan, places her baby for adoption, legally released, voluntary release, choose to parent, terminate parental rights
Negative: Gives her baby away, gave her baby up, choose to keep
2. Parent labels:
Positive: Biological parent, adoptive parents(mother-father), birth parents
Negative: Real mother, natural parent
3. Child labels
Positive: My child, biological child, child who is adopted, birth child, child from abroad, child with special needs(the terms biological and adopted can become negative labels when used constantly)
Negative: My adopted child, natural child, real child, illegitimate, unwanted child, foreign child, hard-to-place, handicapped
4. The situation or condition
Positive: child born outside of marriage, child born to a single person (divorced, single, unmarried, unwed mother), child born to parents that want a better life for their child
Negative: Illegitimate child, unwanted child, bastard, child taken away
5. Communication with the birth parents:
Positive: Your child (before placement when speaking with birth parents), our child usually the child's name is used instead of placing ownership
Negative: My child (shows ownership on either side; although birth parents will often say this before and sometimes even after placement; appropriate term for parents to use with others outside adoption triad)
6. What Adoptee and birth parents may do:
Positive: Search, locate, make contact with
Negative: Search for "real" parents, track down parents, reunion
1.What a birth mother does:
Positive: makes an adoption plan, places her baby for adoption, legally released, voluntary release, choose to parent, terminate parental rights
Negative: Gives her baby away, gave her baby up, choose to keep
2. Parent labels:
Positive: Biological parent, adoptive parents(mother-father), birth parents
Negative: Real mother, natural parent
3. Child labels
Positive: My child, biological child, child who is adopted, birth child, child from abroad, child with special needs(the terms biological and adopted can become negative labels when used constantly)
Negative: My adopted child, natural child, real child, illegitimate, unwanted child, foreign child, hard-to-place, handicapped
4. The situation or condition
Positive: child born outside of marriage, child born to a single person (divorced, single, unmarried, unwed mother), child born to parents that want a better life for their child
Negative: Illegitimate child, unwanted child, bastard, child taken away
5. Communication with the birth parents:
Positive: Your child (before placement when speaking with birth parents), our child usually the child's name is used instead of placing ownership
Negative: My child (shows ownership on either side; although birth parents will often say this before and sometimes even after placement; appropriate term for parents to use with others outside adoption triad)
6. What Adoptee and birth parents may do:
Positive: Search, locate, make contact with
Negative: Search for "real" parents, track down parents, reunion
Just had our second adoption class
The hubby and I just got back from our 2nd adoption class. It was good. There are 4 couples in our group and tonight we all went around in a circle and talked about our experience with infertility. We also talked about the grief cycle that we all go through and where each of us are at in that cycle. I think right now I am just ready to get all of the work done and get our part finished, so it can be more in the Lord's hands when the right baby is supposed to come to us. It's hard because I feel like I want to hurry and get everything done as soon as possible, but my hubby is just dragging his feet. There is some paperwork he needs to get done, that he seems to be just dragging his feet on, and the part that sucks is there is nothing I can do about that. There is always some excuse, either being he's too busy working or when he gets home from work, he wants to just veg out and watch TV because he has worked hard all day, or he is sick or not in the mood or whatever. There is always a reason to why he doesn't want to do it. So in the mean time I am just sitting in limbo waiting for him to "get in the mood." It's hard to have to depend on someone all the time when they don't feel the same way you do or don't feel the same kind of urgency that you do. That's the hardest part right now. I had an idea in my head when we would have our part done, and the way things are going, it's going to be a lot longer than that. In this process if there's not one thing you are struggling with it's another. It just feels like there is always a struggle. We have a class this Saturday where some birth mom's are going to talk from their experience. so that should be really eye opening. I will let you know how that goes in a couple days. It will actually be on my birthday-29.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Another avenue for starting our family
So, obviously getting pregnant on my own is not the right avenue for me, so thank goodness there is another option to start our family. Who knows how long it will take but at least there is another avenue to bring a special spirit into this world. Hubby and myself decided we should go through LDS Family Services and try to adopt a child. We first met with our case worker and started the process almost a year ago, started the paperwork process and ultimately got defeated. I hit an emotional road block when I realized, "wow, this is an exhausting process and a lot of work time involved and they are asking me very detailed questions about every aspect of my life and it's pretty intense." It was hard knowing that a girl that doesn't use protection one night can get pregnant that one time and not even want the baby and I have to give every detail about my life and spend hours, days, and months just to get the process started to try and get a baby.
Here are some of the things we have to do to get started: meet with caseworker, fill out application, get a bishop's reference letter, get previous taxes and financial information, fill out online questionare asking about just about everything in your life including, parent's hobbies, hair color, eye color, height, education background, work history, siblings physical features and education and work background, strengths of spouse and weaknesses of spouse etc. Background check, medical report, OBGYN letter about infertility treatments, certified copy of birth certificates for husband and wife, certified copies of marriage license and sealing certificate, drivers license, social security cards. And then after you fill out that long intensive all inclusive questionare, you have to do it again in a word document so it reads like a story and ends up being around 10 pages. Then you write a letter to the birth mother that is published online, put together a 24 picture photo album, answer get to know you questions about yourself that also goes online to what books you like to read, what music you listen to, favorite food etc.
Then we have adoption classes to learn more about the process and the experience. Another step is the case worker with meet with my and hubby together and then meet with us separately and ask about our parenting styles, she will also come to our house and do a home check.
At first I am thinking, "ok, I just need to get all this paperwork finished and jump through all these hoops, then I can know my part is done and put it in the Lord's hands and wait for a call that we have a baby waiting for us." Well, we went to our first adoption class last night and I fear that I am sorely mistaken. I got a reality check when I heard about birth mom's that will call you and want to meet with you to get to know you better, but she has also called 4 other couples and is trying to pick the best fit. So you can't get your hopes up there. Than there is the story that the birth mom picks you and you pay all the expenses to go out of state or wherever to pick up the baby at the hospital, and she decides she wants to keep the baby. So you drive home with newborn diapers and an empty care seat and formula staring you in the face knowing you are going to an empty house and starting the waiting process all over again. I am pretty sure I will have lots more tears to shed over this experience. I try real hard not to get my hopes up sometimes, but that is just easier said than done. The teacher of this class also mentioned that the average wait for a baby is 1 1/2 to 2 years and they are currently experiencing a lot less baby's being adopted because single birth moms have decided to keep their babies.
Here are some of the things we have to do to get started: meet with caseworker, fill out application, get a bishop's reference letter, get previous taxes and financial information, fill out online questionare asking about just about everything in your life including, parent's hobbies, hair color, eye color, height, education background, work history, siblings physical features and education and work background, strengths of spouse and weaknesses of spouse etc. Background check, medical report, OBGYN letter about infertility treatments, certified copy of birth certificates for husband and wife, certified copies of marriage license and sealing certificate, drivers license, social security cards. And then after you fill out that long intensive all inclusive questionare, you have to do it again in a word document so it reads like a story and ends up being around 10 pages. Then you write a letter to the birth mother that is published online, put together a 24 picture photo album, answer get to know you questions about yourself that also goes online to what books you like to read, what music you listen to, favorite food etc.
Then we have adoption classes to learn more about the process and the experience. Another step is the case worker with meet with my and hubby together and then meet with us separately and ask about our parenting styles, she will also come to our house and do a home check.
At first I am thinking, "ok, I just need to get all this paperwork finished and jump through all these hoops, then I can know my part is done and put it in the Lord's hands and wait for a call that we have a baby waiting for us." Well, we went to our first adoption class last night and I fear that I am sorely mistaken. I got a reality check when I heard about birth mom's that will call you and want to meet with you to get to know you better, but she has also called 4 other couples and is trying to pick the best fit. So you can't get your hopes up there. Than there is the story that the birth mom picks you and you pay all the expenses to go out of state or wherever to pick up the baby at the hospital, and she decides she wants to keep the baby. So you drive home with newborn diapers and an empty care seat and formula staring you in the face knowing you are going to an empty house and starting the waiting process all over again. I am pretty sure I will have lots more tears to shed over this experience. I try real hard not to get my hopes up sometimes, but that is just easier said than done. The teacher of this class also mentioned that the average wait for a baby is 1 1/2 to 2 years and they are currently experiencing a lot less baby's being adopted because single birth moms have decided to keep their babies.
Intro to my infertility
I have come to realize this is probably going to be quite the journey for me, so I should probably document the process and my feelings along the way. Hopefully this will help me get through the process a little better.
There have been a lot of ups and downs so far with this journey of infertility. And I fear this is only the beginning of the emotional roller coaster. I have been married for almost 7 years and have been trying for 5-6 of those years to get pregnant with no luck. I have tried everything that the OBGYN doctor has suggested from ovulation kits, Chlomid, Metformin, Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), to artificial insemination. I have also tried every wive's tale or recommendation from standing on my head to foot zoning, essential oils, herbal pills and medicine, keeping track on the calendar, to a strict health diet and everything in between. I have tried everything except for In vitro which I just can't get myself to do. It costs between $15-20,000 and it doesn't work for everyone. There is no way I could pay that much money that I don't have and therefore be in debt paying a large bill every month with nothing to show for it. That is just one thing I know I personally can't handle.
The hardest part for me about not getting pregnant is seeing everyone else making it look so easy with one child right after another, and then you get those that don't even have to try. It's hard when you feel like you are ready on every different level, but yet it still doesn't happen. I think, "what am I waiting for? or what have I not learned yet that will help me get through this trial quicker?" I just don't know. I feel like for the most part I am good at keeping my feelings under control and I don't have to cry at every baby I see or at every baby blessing I go to. But some days are harder than others. I have found myself a couple of times getting sad and tearing up as I watched talent shows or reality shows with little kids with amazing voices or amazing dancers or gymnasts, and it makes me want a little child of my own that I could teach dance or gymnastics or sports and just play with them everyday and have so much fun with them teaching them positive things. There are occasions when I see a pregnant lady in the grocery store and am so envious of her and I find my mood just drops. I always tell myself I would never complain if I got pregnant abut the baby kicking in my tummy, or sleepless night or labor pain-because I would much rather feel that pain than the pain of no baby at all. I never thought in a million years that this would be my trial, yet here I am and I have no control over it.
The part that is rather annoying is that every single time I go to the OBGYN to have an ultrasound to see if I am ovulating, he says, "you are ovulating and everything looks great! Come back in three months if you are not pregnant! just go get busy!" and of course he is all optimistic and upbeat. I would rather him tell me there is a problem so we can fix that problem or let me know I can't get pregnant so that way I don't have that hope in the back of my mind. I also wouldn't have to be let down when my period starts or having a late period, feeling hopeful and then having yet another negative pregnancy test. Now I refuse to take a pregnancy test because I can't handle seeing one more negative sign; so I had gone 63 days with no period and hubby said I should take a test, I did, it was negative and I started two days later.
I am going to end this entry with an interesting thought that had never occurred to me. Hubby said to me, "ya know, maybe it's not about YOU. It's all about the baby and when the baby is supposed to come into this world. Maybe that baby needs to be born at a certain time so that they can serve their mission at a certain time of life, or find their eternal companion who is also not born yet. Timing is everything and the Lord knows what is best and also has an eternal plan that will all come together when the time is right and when/where our earthly mission should be fulfilled." Although this situation is difficult and I can't always hide the tears, that was an interesting way to look at it.
There have been a lot of ups and downs so far with this journey of infertility. And I fear this is only the beginning of the emotional roller coaster. I have been married for almost 7 years and have been trying for 5-6 of those years to get pregnant with no luck. I have tried everything that the OBGYN doctor has suggested from ovulation kits, Chlomid, Metformin, Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), to artificial insemination. I have also tried every wive's tale or recommendation from standing on my head to foot zoning, essential oils, herbal pills and medicine, keeping track on the calendar, to a strict health diet and everything in between. I have tried everything except for In vitro which I just can't get myself to do. It costs between $15-20,000 and it doesn't work for everyone. There is no way I could pay that much money that I don't have and therefore be in debt paying a large bill every month with nothing to show for it. That is just one thing I know I personally can't handle.
The hardest part for me about not getting pregnant is seeing everyone else making it look so easy with one child right after another, and then you get those that don't even have to try. It's hard when you feel like you are ready on every different level, but yet it still doesn't happen. I think, "what am I waiting for? or what have I not learned yet that will help me get through this trial quicker?" I just don't know. I feel like for the most part I am good at keeping my feelings under control and I don't have to cry at every baby I see or at every baby blessing I go to. But some days are harder than others. I have found myself a couple of times getting sad and tearing up as I watched talent shows or reality shows with little kids with amazing voices or amazing dancers or gymnasts, and it makes me want a little child of my own that I could teach dance or gymnastics or sports and just play with them everyday and have so much fun with them teaching them positive things. There are occasions when I see a pregnant lady in the grocery store and am so envious of her and I find my mood just drops. I always tell myself I would never complain if I got pregnant abut the baby kicking in my tummy, or sleepless night or labor pain-because I would much rather feel that pain than the pain of no baby at all. I never thought in a million years that this would be my trial, yet here I am and I have no control over it.
The part that is rather annoying is that every single time I go to the OBGYN to have an ultrasound to see if I am ovulating, he says, "you are ovulating and everything looks great! Come back in three months if you are not pregnant! just go get busy!" and of course he is all optimistic and upbeat. I would rather him tell me there is a problem so we can fix that problem or let me know I can't get pregnant so that way I don't have that hope in the back of my mind. I also wouldn't have to be let down when my period starts or having a late period, feeling hopeful and then having yet another negative pregnancy test. Now I refuse to take a pregnancy test because I can't handle seeing one more negative sign; so I had gone 63 days with no period and hubby said I should take a test, I did, it was negative and I started two days later.
I am going to end this entry with an interesting thought that had never occurred to me. Hubby said to me, "ya know, maybe it's not about YOU. It's all about the baby and when the baby is supposed to come into this world. Maybe that baby needs to be born at a certain time so that they can serve their mission at a certain time of life, or find their eternal companion who is also not born yet. Timing is everything and the Lord knows what is best and also has an eternal plan that will all come together when the time is right and when/where our earthly mission should be fulfilled." Although this situation is difficult and I can't always hide the tears, that was an interesting way to look at it.
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