I have come to realize this is probably going to be quite the journey for me, so I should probably document the process and my feelings along the way. Hopefully this will help me get through the process a little better.
There have been a lot of ups and downs so far with this journey of infertility. And I fear this is only the beginning of the emotional roller coaster. I have been married for almost 7 years and have been trying for 5-6 of those years to get pregnant with no luck. I have tried everything that the OBGYN doctor has suggested from ovulation kits, Chlomid, Metformin, Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), to artificial insemination. I have also tried every wive's tale or recommendation from standing on my head to foot zoning, essential oils, herbal pills and medicine, keeping track on the calendar, to a strict health diet and everything in between. I have tried everything except for In vitro which I just can't get myself to do. It costs between $15-20,000 and it doesn't work for everyone. There is no way I could pay that much money that I don't have and therefore be in debt paying a large bill every month with nothing to show for it. That is just one thing I know I personally can't handle.
The hardest part for me about not getting pregnant is seeing everyone else making it look so easy with one child right after another, and then you get those that don't even have to try. It's hard when you feel like you are ready on every different level, but yet it still doesn't happen. I think, "what am I waiting for? or what have I not learned yet that will help me get through this trial quicker?" I just don't know. I feel like for the most part I am good at keeping my feelings under control and I don't have to cry at every baby I see or at every baby blessing I go to. But some days are harder than others. I have found myself a couple of times getting sad and tearing up as I watched talent shows or reality shows with little kids with amazing voices or amazing dancers or gymnasts, and it makes me want a little child of my own that I could teach dance or gymnastics or sports and just play with them everyday and have so much fun with them teaching them positive things. There are occasions when I see a pregnant lady in the grocery store and am so envious of her and I find my mood just drops. I always tell myself I would never complain if I got pregnant abut the baby kicking in my tummy, or sleepless night or labor pain-because I would much rather feel that pain than the pain of no baby at all. I never thought in a million years that this would be my trial, yet here I am and I have no control over it.
The part that is rather annoying is that every single time I go to the OBGYN to have an ultrasound to see if I am ovulating, he says, "you are ovulating and everything looks great! Come back in three months if you are not pregnant! just go get busy!" and of course he is all optimistic and upbeat. I would rather him tell me there is a problem so we can fix that problem or let me know I can't get pregnant so that way I don't have that hope in the back of my mind. I also wouldn't have to be let down when my period starts or having a late period, feeling hopeful and then having yet another negative pregnancy test. Now I refuse to take a pregnancy test because I can't handle seeing one more negative sign; so I had gone 63 days with no period and hubby said I should take a test, I did, it was negative and I started two days later.
I am going to end this entry with an interesting thought that had never occurred to me. Hubby said to me, "ya know, maybe it's not about YOU. It's all about the baby and when the baby is supposed to come into this world. Maybe that baby needs to be born at a certain time so that they can serve their mission at a certain time of life, or find their eternal companion who is also not born yet. Timing is everything and the Lord knows what is best and also has an eternal plan that will all come together when the time is right and when/where our earthly mission should be fulfilled." Although this situation is difficult and I can't always hide the tears, that was an interesting way to look at it.
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