Just got an amazing email from the birth mom!

So today is a better day, yeah! We just got an amazing email from the birth mom and things are looking hopeful. Some of the things she put in her email were really cool and promising. It's weird because this whole time she let us know that she hasn't decided if she is going to keep the baby or not but if she does place it, she would place with us. So she hasn't told us 100% if she is going to place with us, but the most recent email we got from her almost sounded like she assumed we knew that she was. It was pretty crazy in a very good way!

These are the parts of the email that stood out the most to me:
"I actually have a ultra sound on Tuesday. They want to take measurements of the baby, and so I will have pictures to send to you. I will be 14 weeks on Monday, so a month and a half to find out what the gender of the baby is! Are you guys interested in knowing, and do you want some ultra sound pics on Tuesday?"

Her last paragraph said:
"When I heard the babies heart beat it was so amazing, but to be honest I don't feel like the baby was mine. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I almost feel like the baby is here at this crazy time to help benefit some one's life other then mine. I really don't know why I am telling you all of this, but I think it is kind of important. So if you guys would allow me to, and the child was okay with it, I would like to be involved. And have a couple visits a year? I just wanted to let you guys know what was going on in my life."

Needless to say, we are excited for Tuesday and to see pictures! We really want to meet this girl in person and can't wait for that day. So when that happens, you will definitely know about it!

This is officially the hardest trial I have ever had

This adoption process has got to be the hardest most crappiest thing I have ever had to go through. It feels like the trial that is never going to end. So you spend years trying on your own to get pregnant and then when you finally figure out that isn't working you spend years trying everything the doctors have to offer and every other person's suggestion and realize that also isn't going to work. So after the days and months and years of tears and false hopes and disappointments, you get to start the adoption process when you are already physically and emotionally drained. And to get approved with the adoption process you have to answer a billion personal questions and get original documents of every major event in your life. Once you survive all that heartache you get to sit online and wait for a birth mom to email you wanting to get to know you. So you email back and forth a bunch of times and get hopeful and excited about that and then you don't hear from her again. So another birth mom emails you and you get excited because the conversation is going really well and she says she really has a good feeling about you and then you don't hear from her for awhile and you wonder if she is going to disappear like the fist birth mom you were speaking too. You try really hard to not get too hopeful because nothing may show from this but honestly it's not possible to have no feelings or emotions during this process. When you don't hear back from her for awhile you wonder if you scared her off or said something wrong in your last email and you just have no idea what she is thinking. And you realize it's all about her right now and she has all the control and it's all on her time frame and up to her what she chooses to do, but in the meantime you are strung along in the process of her ups and downs and how and when she chooses to respond to you.

Can I just tell you it is so emotionally draining! I just want to give up and say screw it and let the birth moms know just don't email me or talk to me until you have decided you for sure want to place your baby with us. (and of course this is my defense mechanism that is responding this way) It's just really hard to put yourself on the line and to build an attachment and a relationship with a girl that will most likely never talk to you again the moment she decides to keep her baby. It's freaking hard and I wouldn't wish this trial on my worst enemy. It breaks my heart for anyone going through this because it's devastating. And it's always a long journey and a lot of years of this devastation before anything comes to show for it.

Another hard part of the process is seeing your own nieces and nephews that are so adorable and look just like their own mom or dad and have some of the same quirks and features. My husband was the most adorable baby ever and I have always told him I want our own baby boy to look just like him. And you see other family members and friends who compare their own baby pictures with their baby's pictures and they look identical. There are so many things like that which are discouraging to think about.
However, we are so grateful for the adoption process which at least gives us the opportunity to raise children. We will be so grateful and appreciative of "our birth mom" that we will want to do so much for her to show our appreciation. We are such generous, thoughtful and caring people that we already want to give her gifts and do things for her. We have so much love to give to our future baby and also our birth mom and we want to share that love already. It's hard to keep waiting and to have to be so patient not knowing when that day will come.

Today is a blah day

Today is simply put, a blah day. I don't want to do anything, talk to anybody or be social in any way. I just want to sit in front of the T.V. and waste the day away. However that is not so much an option. We are heading to SLC to a Michael McLean concert about adoption which should be fun, then heading to Orem for Mother's day. We haven't heard from birth mom #2 for about a week and we were really hoping to meet her on Saturday while we would be down in that area. We always look forward to getting her emails and it usually makes our day hearing from her, so I think that might be the reason for the downer. The hubby is having a blah day to and I think that is the main reason for both of us. She had mentioned she would like to meet in person and even said she could borrow a car to meet us somewhere sometime, so we let her know we would be down in a week on Saturday and would love to take her to lunch or to get some ice cream or whatever she happened to be craving at the time. We haven't heard back from her since that last email and it's been almost a week. It's hard because we don't know if she just got busy or if we scared her off. It's all on her terms and she is in control of everything. You try really hard to not get excited or read into anything, but it's hard because you have no idea what the other person is thinking. I just feel drained and unmotivated to do anything! so Blah!!!

The past couple weeks

The past couple weeks have been mostly good with a few downer days in there. It can be pretty random when I all of a sudden get sad. I was exercising with a friend the other day and it kind of brought up some emotions for me. I saw all these cute little kids running around and playing while we were exercising and I couldn't help but think, "gosh dang it, I want one! And I am really getting sick of waiting and being patient. It's enough already and it's getting real old real fast." I had to go outside and be alone and get some fresh air and tried to hold back the tears.

We have been emailing back and forth with birth mom #2 but hadn't heard from her for several days. Even the hubby started getting down and bummed out that we hadn't heard from her for awhile. But then we finally got an email from her which boosted our spirits back up to par. Our relationship has being growing quite a bit through these emails. She is very sincere and open and honest which is refreshing. She says she wishes she could give us a definite answer of what she is going to do, but she has not yet decided. She says some really nice things in her emails and she told us she feels really good about us and knows we will be amazing parents. She is so mature for her age and is definitely going through some challenging times getting a divorce and being pregnant on top of that. And not only is she pregnant but she hasn't told the X yet, and will wait until her 12 week appointment which is in about two weeks.

From the relationship we have developed thus far, we would have no problem with having quite an open adoption and relationship. She lives just a couple exits away from my family and I would have no problem meeting up with her on my way down to visit my family and letting her see the baby. Also, her sister will be starting college in the fall where we live and we would have no problem if she came up to visit her sister, she could visit the baby as well. Everything would work out so well and it just seems to be lining up just perfectly. We really hope this works out and that this girl would be "our" birth mom. But again, you can't get too excited about anything because nothing is set in stone until the baby is in our arms. The fact that everything is lining up so well, it really would be devastating if it didn't work out. I am trying to stay neutral with my emotions knowing she could keep the baby, but you just can't help but feel hopeful knowing the situation would be perfect for all of us. For me, right now, it just feels right. Only time will tell if this intuition falls true or is completely false.