This adoption process has got to be the hardest most crappiest thing I have ever had to go through. It feels like the trial that is never going to end. So you spend years trying on your own to get pregnant and then when you finally figure out that isn't working you spend years trying everything the doctors have to offer and every other person's suggestion and realize that also isn't going to work. So after the days and months and years of tears and false hopes and disappointments, you get to start the adoption process when you are already physically and emotionally drained. And to get approved with the adoption process you have to answer a billion personal questions and get original documents of every major event in your life. Once you survive all that heartache you get to sit online and wait for a birth mom to email you wanting to get to know you. So you email back and forth a bunch of times and get hopeful and excited about that and then you don't hear from her again. So another birth mom emails you and you get excited because the conversation is going really well and she says she really has a good feeling about you and then you don't hear from her for awhile and you wonder if she is going to disappear like the fist birth mom you were speaking too. You try really hard to not get too hopeful because nothing may show from this but honestly it's not possible to have no feelings or emotions during this process. When you don't hear back from her for awhile you wonder if you scared her off or said something wrong in your last email and you just have no idea what she is thinking. And you realize it's all about her right now and she has all the control and it's all on her time frame and up to her what she chooses to do, but in the meantime you are strung along in the process of her ups and downs and how and when she chooses to respond to you.
Can I just tell you it is so emotionally draining! I just want to give up and say screw it and let the birth moms know just don't email me or talk to me until you have decided you for sure want to place your baby with us. (and of course this is my defense mechanism that is responding this way) It's just really hard to put yourself on the line and to build an attachment and a relationship with a girl that will most likely never talk to you again the moment she decides to keep her baby. It's freaking hard and I wouldn't wish this trial on my worst enemy. It breaks my heart for anyone going through this because it's devastating. And it's always a long journey and a lot of years of this devastation before anything comes to show for it.
Another hard part of the process is seeing your own nieces and nephews that are so adorable and look just like their own mom or dad and have some of the same quirks and features. My husband was the most adorable baby ever and I have always told him I want our own baby boy to look just like him. And you see other family members and friends who compare their own baby pictures with their baby's pictures and they look identical. There are so many things like that which are discouraging to think about.
However, we are so grateful for the adoption process which at least gives us the opportunity to raise children. We will be so grateful and appreciative of "our birth mom" that we will want to do so much for her to show our appreciation. We are such generous, thoughtful and caring people that we already want to give her gifts and do things for her. We have so much love to give to our future baby and also our birth mom and we want to share that love already. It's hard to keep waiting and to have to be so patient not knowing when that day will come.
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