So I just found out my younger sister in law is pregnant with her third. All of my family is done having kids and this is the last brother on my husband's side who is still growing their family and this is number three for them. They mentioned a couple months ago they were starting to try again and of course a couple months after trying they got pregnant. How would that be? I apparently will never know the feeling. It's gotten to the point that "discouraged" just doesn't seem to do justice for what me and the hubby are feeling, maybe hopeless. I am pretty sure with the way things are going, every friend, family member and neighbor we know will have all of their kids before we even get started. Bringing a baby into our home just feels too good to be true and like something that will never happen to us. I am so burnt out of this situation that we are in, that I don't even want to be around kids anymore. I don't even want to visit my sisters or friends that have kids because I am so dang sick of not fitting in and being able to relate that I don't want to have anything to do with any of them. (This sounds awful and of course a little exagerated, but pretty close to what I am feeling right now.) I have been patient for so long, that I am just done. It's official, I give up. I don't even want to spend any more of my energy trying new fertility treatments or pushing adoption stuff or anything. I just feel like to matter what I try is just going to give me false hopes and not lead to anything any way so why waste my time and money and energy into getting my hopes up. That just sounds sucky to me. Just like this whole freaking situation. It's bull crap, it really is.
Life is not fulfilling. There is nothing I can substitute in place of this need I have of having children starting our family. I have been trying to keep busy working or making fun summer plans or vacationing or working out or just about anything I can think of to take my mind off how shitty this situation is for us, but at the end of the day we both come home to an empty house and it's the same 'ol bump and grind every day. Just another day of work and occasional couple day camp out. I have been patient for a really long time and unfortunately I have nothing left and I can't figure out how to fix that problem.
This is my life and I just have to deal with it, so there you have it. Congratulations to all you people that get to have kids so easily, I am so happy for you. (sarcasm) This situation makes me realize why people self medicate. I have never gone through anything so deflating, discouraging, depressing, upsetting, so impossible or hopeless in my entire life. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. It feels like cruel and unusual punishment that won't seem to ever end!
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