one month and no response

It's been about a month now with no response from the birth mom. We have sent 2 emails and asked questions, but haven't gotten any response back. It gets kind of frustrating when you feel like you are being ignored. I would feel a little better if she just said she needed some space to try and make up her mind and that she would email and let us know when she has decided. But instead nothing. I don't know if that means she is planning on keeping the baby and she doesn't have the guts to tell us, and is never going to respond to us again, or if this is her way of letting us know she isn't decided, but will get back with us when she is ready. She has been so open and honest this entire time, I would have never guessed she would just leave us hanging.

So we might be back to square one in the waiting process yet again. Bum deal, bum deal. :(

Haven't had a response for awhile

We were feeling really good after that last email we got but now we haven't heard anything for awhile. It's hard to not get discouraged and lose hope because ya just never know what is going to happen. And the fact that her due date is so far out (end November) there is a lot of time for her to change her mind or for her ex-husband to decide he wants to raise the baby rather than have someone else adopt it. We sent her an email on May 25th but haven't got any response back. I don't know if I should just wait until she responds or send her another short email. If I do send her an email I just don't even know what to say so I don't know what the point is of that. I wish I had something to motivate me to work hard or get my house and life in order but I just feel so unmotivated to do pretty much anything productive. I work a lot better if I have a deadline or goal to reach, but unfortunately I have nothing to work for right now. I am so past ready for a baby it's not even funny. It's the same lame crap every day: Sleep in, make me food which I hate doing, check my emails, check online to see if there are any promotional jobs (which is slow so there usually isn't anything)do the dishes, clean up the clutter and wish I were motivated to work on my home tending business. I work from home, so I don't get to interact with people all that often which is something I need. My life just seems so blah and it has been for way too long. I have no good friends where I live, which sucks. I know some cool people but they all have kids and sometimes I just want to spend time with other adults and have a conversation without a kid interrupting every 5 seconds in the middle of my thought or story.

This journey sucks and I am sick of having to be so patient all the time while 95% of people have this come so easily to them. Or if that is too much to ask, I wish I had a friend that I could relate to and spend time with so I could at least try and enjoy my life right now. But unfortunately I don't see that happening either, so I guess I will just have to be my own best friend and spend time by myself which I should be used to because a lot of my life I have had to do this.

Just got an amazing email from the birth mom!

So today is a better day, yeah! We just got an amazing email from the birth mom and things are looking hopeful. Some of the things she put in her email were really cool and promising. It's weird because this whole time she let us know that she hasn't decided if she is going to keep the baby or not but if she does place it, she would place with us. So she hasn't told us 100% if she is going to place with us, but the most recent email we got from her almost sounded like she assumed we knew that she was. It was pretty crazy in a very good way!

These are the parts of the email that stood out the most to me:
"I actually have a ultra sound on Tuesday. They want to take measurements of the baby, and so I will have pictures to send to you. I will be 14 weeks on Monday, so a month and a half to find out what the gender of the baby is! Are you guys interested in knowing, and do you want some ultra sound pics on Tuesday?"

Her last paragraph said:
"When I heard the babies heart beat it was so amazing, but to be honest I don't feel like the baby was mine. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I almost feel like the baby is here at this crazy time to help benefit some one's life other then mine. I really don't know why I am telling you all of this, but I think it is kind of important. So if you guys would allow me to, and the child was okay with it, I would like to be involved. And have a couple visits a year? I just wanted to let you guys know what was going on in my life."

Needless to say, we are excited for Tuesday and to see pictures! We really want to meet this girl in person and can't wait for that day. So when that happens, you will definitely know about it!

This is officially the hardest trial I have ever had

This adoption process has got to be the hardest most crappiest thing I have ever had to go through. It feels like the trial that is never going to end. So you spend years trying on your own to get pregnant and then when you finally figure out that isn't working you spend years trying everything the doctors have to offer and every other person's suggestion and realize that also isn't going to work. So after the days and months and years of tears and false hopes and disappointments, you get to start the adoption process when you are already physically and emotionally drained. And to get approved with the adoption process you have to answer a billion personal questions and get original documents of every major event in your life. Once you survive all that heartache you get to sit online and wait for a birth mom to email you wanting to get to know you. So you email back and forth a bunch of times and get hopeful and excited about that and then you don't hear from her again. So another birth mom emails you and you get excited because the conversation is going really well and she says she really has a good feeling about you and then you don't hear from her for awhile and you wonder if she is going to disappear like the fist birth mom you were speaking too. You try really hard to not get too hopeful because nothing may show from this but honestly it's not possible to have no feelings or emotions during this process. When you don't hear back from her for awhile you wonder if you scared her off or said something wrong in your last email and you just have no idea what she is thinking. And you realize it's all about her right now and she has all the control and it's all on her time frame and up to her what she chooses to do, but in the meantime you are strung along in the process of her ups and downs and how and when she chooses to respond to you.

Can I just tell you it is so emotionally draining! I just want to give up and say screw it and let the birth moms know just don't email me or talk to me until you have decided you for sure want to place your baby with us. (and of course this is my defense mechanism that is responding this way) It's just really hard to put yourself on the line and to build an attachment and a relationship with a girl that will most likely never talk to you again the moment she decides to keep her baby. It's freaking hard and I wouldn't wish this trial on my worst enemy. It breaks my heart for anyone going through this because it's devastating. And it's always a long journey and a lot of years of this devastation before anything comes to show for it.

Another hard part of the process is seeing your own nieces and nephews that are so adorable and look just like their own mom or dad and have some of the same quirks and features. My husband was the most adorable baby ever and I have always told him I want our own baby boy to look just like him. And you see other family members and friends who compare their own baby pictures with their baby's pictures and they look identical. There are so many things like that which are discouraging to think about.
However, we are so grateful for the adoption process which at least gives us the opportunity to raise children. We will be so grateful and appreciative of "our birth mom" that we will want to do so much for her to show our appreciation. We are such generous, thoughtful and caring people that we already want to give her gifts and do things for her. We have so much love to give to our future baby and also our birth mom and we want to share that love already. It's hard to keep waiting and to have to be so patient not knowing when that day will come.

Today is a blah day

Today is simply put, a blah day. I don't want to do anything, talk to anybody or be social in any way. I just want to sit in front of the T.V. and waste the day away. However that is not so much an option. We are heading to SLC to a Michael McLean concert about adoption which should be fun, then heading to Orem for Mother's day. We haven't heard from birth mom #2 for about a week and we were really hoping to meet her on Saturday while we would be down in that area. We always look forward to getting her emails and it usually makes our day hearing from her, so I think that might be the reason for the downer. The hubby is having a blah day to and I think that is the main reason for both of us. She had mentioned she would like to meet in person and even said she could borrow a car to meet us somewhere sometime, so we let her know we would be down in a week on Saturday and would love to take her to lunch or to get some ice cream or whatever she happened to be craving at the time. We haven't heard back from her since that last email and it's been almost a week. It's hard because we don't know if she just got busy or if we scared her off. It's all on her terms and she is in control of everything. You try really hard to not get excited or read into anything, but it's hard because you have no idea what the other person is thinking. I just feel drained and unmotivated to do anything! so Blah!!!

The past couple weeks

The past couple weeks have been mostly good with a few downer days in there. It can be pretty random when I all of a sudden get sad. I was exercising with a friend the other day and it kind of brought up some emotions for me. I saw all these cute little kids running around and playing while we were exercising and I couldn't help but think, "gosh dang it, I want one! And I am really getting sick of waiting and being patient. It's enough already and it's getting real old real fast." I had to go outside and be alone and get some fresh air and tried to hold back the tears.

We have been emailing back and forth with birth mom #2 but hadn't heard from her for several days. Even the hubby started getting down and bummed out that we hadn't heard from her for awhile. But then we finally got an email from her which boosted our spirits back up to par. Our relationship has being growing quite a bit through these emails. She is very sincere and open and honest which is refreshing. She says she wishes she could give us a definite answer of what she is going to do, but she has not yet decided. She says some really nice things in her emails and she told us she feels really good about us and knows we will be amazing parents. She is so mature for her age and is definitely going through some challenging times getting a divorce and being pregnant on top of that. And not only is she pregnant but she hasn't told the X yet, and will wait until her 12 week appointment which is in about two weeks.

From the relationship we have developed thus far, we would have no problem with having quite an open adoption and relationship. She lives just a couple exits away from my family and I would have no problem meeting up with her on my way down to visit my family and letting her see the baby. Also, her sister will be starting college in the fall where we live and we would have no problem if she came up to visit her sister, she could visit the baby as well. Everything would work out so well and it just seems to be lining up just perfectly. We really hope this works out and that this girl would be "our" birth mom. But again, you can't get too excited about anything because nothing is set in stone until the baby is in our arms. The fact that everything is lining up so well, it really would be devastating if it didn't work out. I am trying to stay neutral with my emotions knowing she could keep the baby, but you just can't help but feel hopeful knowing the situation would be perfect for all of us. For me, right now, it just feels right. Only time will tell if this intuition falls true or is completely false.

This really sucks!

I am really bummed out right now. It is so frustrating to know that I can't let myself get excited about anything during this adoption process. I can't get excited when a birth mom emails us to get to know us better because we don't know how many other couples she is emailing or what she is looking for in a couple. We can't get excited if she chooses us to place her baby because we don't know if she will change her mind during the process and decide to place with another couple. And we can't even get too excited when we go to the hospital to pick up the baby because we don't know if she will see her baby and decide to keep it. It just sucks! For the past 5 years I have wanted to feel that excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test and to be able to think of some fun surprise to tell my husband and family that I am pregnant. I have also wanted to get the 9 months that every other pregnant woman gets to prepare and see the growth and development of the baby and to feel that excitement. It is an extremely big and exciting time in one's life to know they are having a baby and starting a family and I can't let myself get excited until the baby is in my arms; that really sucks!

I think this is the beginning of a long emotional roller coaster

So we have been emailing birth mom number 2 a handful of times. For like two days in a row we emailed back and forth constantly and so I keep wanting to check my email over and over again to see if she responded back. Now it's been like two days and I haven't had a response. It's hard to know what to think because I don't know if she just got busy and she is still really interested in us or if her feelings changed and she doesn't think we are the right couple for her baby. It's hard because she isn't due until mid November so that's a lot of months that she could change her mind. It's hard to not try and think about what is going on in her head or try and figure out if she is interested or not. I know I have to be patient and that she is going through her own personal struggles right now and needs time to figure things out, I get all of that, but it's still hard.

Just got contacted from another birth mom!

So the first birth mom that contacted us, we were really excited to get an email response from the LDS website and to know that we were being found online. Although we responded over 25 times total through email, it just seemed weird that she never really asked questions about us or our parenting style or anything. I just never really felt like anything would come of this.

We just got an email from birth mom number 2 and from her very first email she asked great questions. She said she read through 40 different profiles online and she loved reading our profile and the getting to know us section. She said we are the only couple that she has contacted. She said she is going through a divorce and the soon to be x-husband doesn't even know she is pregnant. She said it is very important to know that we work together in all aspects of marriage and wanted to know what our parenting style would be. Although this is a hard question to answer, I love that she is asking great questions and truly wants the best for her baby. I already feel much better about this birth mom and like where this is going. She is 10 weeks along and due November 14th, 2011. She seems like an open person and has been sharing some good information about herself and a little about her situation. Her second email (last one so far)said she would be happy to send some pictures or her and the birth father if we were interested. And we said absolutely! that's awesome, way easier than trying to stock them on the internet or facebook to see some pictures! lol!!!

Went to baby blessing today

I went with my hubby to his best friend's baby blessing and I was all fine with going and in a good mood, but I kind of just got bummed out and a little sad right after the blessing. I am usually in a good place with stuff like this but some days I just can't help it and It puts me in a funk. I just got to sleep it off and should be good to go tomorrow!

Adoptive couples waiting on the LDS Family Services website

Here are the stats of the number of couples waiting to get placements:
947 as of 4/10/11
928 as of 4/17/11
919 as of 4/18/11
908 as of 4/20/11
915 as of 5/1/11

Another response from the birth mom

Last weekend a birth mom emailed us to get to know us better and we corresponded back and forth about 20 times within a couple days and then it all pretty much just stopped. I figured she wasn't really interested in us anymore or didn't feel like we were the right fit for her baby and I kind of closed the door on that option. But I just got an email from her saying, "Hope your weekend is going good!!" and that was it. I was really surprised when I saw she had sent a new email. It was short and sweet. you would think I would happy that she is still in contact, but the sad thing is that after reading it, I'm all bummed out now. I really really don't want to be pulled along in the process if it's not going to lead to anywhere. I understand that birth mom's are going to need to email us to get to know us better and she might then decide that we are not the right fit which is totally understandable and I am OK with that. But what is the point of that last email, "Hope your weekend is going good!!" She doesn't ask any questions about us and hasn't through pretty much any of her emails. This whole process just seems weird. If she is really serious about placing her baby with us or if it's not a good possibility, then I wish we could cut the strings and stop the contact right now. If she is interested in us and is thinking she wants to place with us, I would still rather not get any more emails unless she has questions that relate to her placing the baby or if she is ready to place. It's really hard to have some small contact not knowing if it's going to lead to anything or not. Now that she sent another email out of the blue, and I responded back I feel like I should check my email often to see if she emailed back.

You would think I would be happy with another response, but unfortunately I am not. I just really don't want to get my hopes up. I want to live my life and be able to focus on the things I can control and not get my thoughts all worked up and confused with things I cannot control.

Just got our first email from a birth mom!

Over the weekend I got an email from a birth mom who wanted to get to know us better. At first, we were really excited but we thought we better not get too excited because we didn't want to get our hopes up as we have heard of scams out there. We emailed back and forth about 10 times each it was fun. We both like hip hop dancing and did dance in high school. I was checking my email constantly to see if she had responded and I was thrilled every time I saw she had responded and I would instantly write her back.

I went back through and read all the emails again and realized she had only asked a couple questions about us in the first couple emails. She wanted to know what part of Utah we lived in and also if we had any pets. That were all the questions she asked and the rest of the time I was asking her questions and she was answering. It was really exciting at first but I don't think she is interested anymore. I know she was looking at a bunch of profiles and other couples and we weren't the only ones. But towards the end I realized she was just answering my questions probably to be nice but wasn't going out of her way to ask me/us any questions. So, we are not feeling too promising about this birth mom, but it's good to know that we are being found online and getting some response. She is almost 33 weeks along and is for sure placing her baby, but it seems like we are not the right fit.

Our profile is officially online!

It's official, we have finally done our part and our profile is online, yeah! Now it is pretty much out of our hands and more in the Lord's hands on when our baby should come to us. It will be interesting to see how long it takes now that birth mom's can view our information online. It feels good to have all the work done and to be qualified. Our case worker says the average wait is around 2 years, but you really never know. It could take longer than that or it could happen quicker, so we will see what happens for us.

I wrote a thank you email to a birth mother that spoke to us at the panel about a month ago and asked her for advice on a couple things. She responded to my email yesterday and said we should make some pass along cards and she would pass them to people she knows who are pregnant. I thought that was way cool she offered to do that, what a sweet girl!

Our case worker just did the home inspection

It's been a lot of work but we are finally about finished with all the paperwork needed to get our adoption profile online so birth mom's can start looking at our profile. Our case worker came over a couple days ago and did the house check and she said they have to do a final review of all our stuff but their goal is to have our profile online next week! We are really excited to have our part done. It has taken a very long time and it has been a lot of work to complete everything and jump through all the hoops to get approved but we are finally there. It will be interesting to see how long the waiting process is until we get our baby. Our case worker doesn't think it will be that long for us since we are a cute and fun couple. She thinks 6-12 months maybe, but of course no one knows. It's up to the birth mom to decide on that one. I am just happy to know that our part is done and now it's in the Lord's hands on when the right time is. We don't want just any baby, but the right one that is going to succeed in our home and that we can benefit the most.

Stu called me later in the day after the case worker left and said she wanted us to hurry and check the final review button online on our profile so they could pass our info on to a birth mom that was in their office at that moment. She wanted to send our info on with a few other couples that she could look at and review this weekend. We thought that was really cool! There is a good chance it nothing will come from it, but just the fact that the case worker is thinking of us and thinks we are a good option and is passing our info onto a birth mom, that is all we can ask. The more times that scenario happens, the more likely things are to work out for us. So we shall see. I will post the day our profile goes "LIVE"

Met with our case worker and working on birth mother letter

We met with our case worker and had our interviews with her this past week. She set up a time next week to come and do a house check. It's nice we are making progress and getting closer to getting our profile up online. We are currently working on the birth mother letter which is taking quite a long time. It's hard because you want it to sound just right and you don't want it to be misinterpreted by the birth mom's that are reading it. There is a limited amount of space so what you write needs to be to the point and accurately portray who you are as a couple. It's tricky and hard to know what she wants to hear from you and to see it from her eyes/perspective. It's a lot of editing and re editing and reworking. Needless to say we are ready to have this part completed. It kind of hurts my brain thinking about it. We are also working on the photo album which has 24 pictures and a description underneath each picture.

Adoption panel with birth mothers

So today happens to be my 29th birthday and the hubby and I just got back from another one of our adoption classes and this one was the panel with guest speakers. The first half of the class we heard from 3 different couples that had adopted a child/children. It was interesting to hear their different stories about how their baby's came to them and how they new that the baby they received was supposed to be their baby they were to raise. The second half of the class there were two young birth mom's a 16 year old and a 19 year old that shared the experience and how hard it was for them to place their child and to not keep it. It was very eye opening to hear from their own perspective what exactly the emotions and struggles they went through to let that baby go.

The first girl said she was from a strong LDS family, was the Laurel class president and had a strong testimony of the church. She had a boyfriend and made a mistake and got pregnant and was having a really hard time trying to decide if she should keep the baby and raise it herself or place the baby through adoption. She knew she would be a good mom and would love the baby, but she also knew that she couldn't give that baby everything they deserved and also couldn't provide it with stability and a mother AND a father. She decided to go through the adoption process and wanted to find a family that was also from Utah so it would be closer and easier to have communication and occasional visits. She reviewed all the profiles and prayed about each one, but just didn't feel good or get a "yes" answer to any of them. She ended up looking out of state and finally got the "yes" answer she was looking for.

It makes me feel really good to know that some of these birth mom's are truly using the spirit in placing their child in the right home with the right family. It makes me feel good that when we get a child, it won't just be any child but the one that is "ours" and supposed to come to our home and that it is all part of the plan and meant to be.

So this is where I am at in the process. At first and honestly up until I think today, I kept having in the back of my mind the hopes that even along this journey I would still be able to get pregnant or maybe adopt the first one and then get pregnant. But now I think I am looking at it through different eyes. I know I am a strong person and a compassionate person and I know I could handle getting my children through the adoption process and working well with the extra dynamic of a birth mother/family and adding that relationship to the mix. I also know we could handle any questions that might arise when the child grows older and asks certain questions, and also not take offense when people word things the wrong way or don't know how to say the right things.

This definitely isn't the journey that I thought I would be taking or that most people end up taking, but in all actuality I know this is something that could extremely bless my life as well as the baby's and the birth mother. I am just grateful there is another avenue to bring children into this world when creating your own isn't an option. I still don't know what is entail for the hubby and I, but I at least know and have faith that whatever happens and whatever route is taken being smooth or rough, I know that is the route that I personally need to take in order to strengthen myself or someone else.

The Language of Adoption

in our adoption class, we learned about terms that you should and should not use when referencing an adopted child. Some times people don't think about the things they say or even realize how offensive certain words can be. These are words to think about before you say the wrong thing.

1.What a birth mother does:
Positive: makes an adoption plan, places her baby for adoption, legally released, voluntary release, choose to parent, terminate parental rights
Negative: Gives her baby away, gave her baby up, choose to keep

2. Parent labels:
Positive: Biological parent, adoptive parents(mother-father), birth parents
Negative: Real mother, natural parent

3. Child labels
Positive: My child, biological child, child who is adopted, birth child, child from abroad, child with special needs(the terms biological and adopted can become negative labels when used constantly)
Negative: My adopted child, natural child, real child, illegitimate, unwanted child, foreign child, hard-to-place, handicapped

4. The situation or condition
Positive: child born outside of marriage, child born to a single person (divorced, single, unmarried, unwed mother), child born to parents that want a better life for their child
Negative: Illegitimate child, unwanted child, bastard, child taken away

5. Communication with the birth parents:
Positive: Your child (before placement when speaking with birth parents), our child usually the child's name is used instead of placing ownership
Negative: My child (shows ownership on either side; although birth parents will often say this before and sometimes even after placement; appropriate term for parents to use with others outside adoption triad)

6. What Adoptee and birth parents may do:
Positive: Search, locate, make contact with
Negative: Search for "real" parents, track down parents, reunion

Just had our second adoption class

The hubby and I just got back from our 2nd adoption class. It was good. There are 4 couples in our group and tonight we all went around in a circle and talked about our experience with infertility. We also talked about the grief cycle that we all go through and where each of us are at in that cycle. I think right now I am just ready to get all of the work done and get our part finished, so it can be more in the Lord's hands when the right baby is supposed to come to us. It's hard because I feel like I want to hurry and get everything done as soon as possible, but my hubby is just dragging his feet. There is some paperwork he needs to get done, that he seems to be just dragging his feet on, and the part that sucks is there is nothing I can do about that. There is always some excuse, either being he's too busy working or when he gets home from work, he wants to just veg out and watch TV because he has worked hard all day, or he is sick or not in the mood or whatever. There is always a reason to why he doesn't want to do it. So in the mean time I am just sitting in limbo waiting for him to "get in the mood." It's hard to have to depend on someone all the time when they don't feel the same way you do or don't feel the same kind of urgency that you do. That's the hardest part right now. I had an idea in my head when we would have our part done, and the way things are going, it's going to be a lot longer than that. In this process if there's not one thing you are struggling with it's another. It just feels like there is always a struggle. We have a class this Saturday where some birth mom's are going to talk from their experience. so that should be really eye opening. I will let you know how that goes in a couple days. It will actually be on my birthday-29.

Another avenue for starting our family

So, obviously getting pregnant on my own is not the right avenue for me, so thank goodness there is another option to start our family. Who knows how long it will take but at least there is another avenue to bring a special spirit into this world. Hubby and myself decided we should go through LDS Family Services and try to adopt a child. We first met with our case worker and started the process almost a year ago, started the paperwork process and ultimately got defeated. I hit an emotional road block when I realized, "wow, this is an exhausting process and a lot of work time involved and they are asking me very detailed questions about every aspect of my life and it's pretty intense." It was hard knowing that a girl that doesn't use protection one night can get pregnant that one time and not even want the baby and I have to give every detail about my life and spend hours, days, and months just to get the process started to try and get a baby.

Here are some of the things we have to do to get started: meet with caseworker, fill out application, get a bishop's reference letter, get previous taxes and financial information, fill out online questionare asking about just about everything in your life including, parent's hobbies, hair color, eye color, height, education background, work history, siblings physical features and education and work background, strengths of spouse and weaknesses of spouse etc. Background check, medical report, OBGYN letter about infertility treatments, certified copy of birth certificates for husband and wife, certified copies of marriage license and sealing certificate, drivers license, social security cards. And then after you fill out that long intensive all inclusive questionare, you have to do it again in a word document so it reads like a story and ends up being around 10 pages. Then you write a letter to the birth mother that is published online, put together a 24 picture photo album, answer get to know you questions about yourself that also goes online to what books you like to read, what music you listen to, favorite food etc.
Then we have adoption classes to learn more about the process and the experience. Another step is the case worker with meet with my and hubby together and then meet with us separately and ask about our parenting styles, she will also come to our house and do a home check.

At first I am thinking, "ok, I just need to get all this paperwork finished and jump through all these hoops, then I can know my part is done and put it in the Lord's hands and wait for a call that we have a baby waiting for us." Well, we went to our first adoption class last night and I fear that I am sorely mistaken. I got a reality check when I heard about birth mom's that will call you and want to meet with you to get to know you better, but she has also called 4 other couples and is trying to pick the best fit. So you can't get your hopes up there. Than there is the story that the birth mom picks you and you pay all the expenses to go out of state or wherever to pick up the baby at the hospital, and she decides she wants to keep the baby. So you drive home with newborn diapers and an empty care seat and formula staring you in the face knowing you are going to an empty house and starting the waiting process all over again. I am pretty sure I will have lots more tears to shed over this experience. I try real hard not to get my hopes up sometimes, but that is just easier said than done. The teacher of this class also mentioned that the average wait for a baby is 1 1/2 to 2 years and they are currently experiencing a lot less baby's being adopted because single birth moms have decided to keep their babies.

Intro to my infertility

I have come to realize this is probably going to be quite the journey for me, so I should probably document the process and my feelings along the way. Hopefully this will help me get through the process a little better.

There have been a lot of ups and downs so far with this journey of infertility. And I fear this is only the beginning of the emotional roller coaster. I have been married for almost 7 years and have been trying for 5-6 of those years to get pregnant with no luck. I have tried everything that the OBGYN doctor has suggested from ovulation kits, Chlomid, Metformin, Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), to artificial insemination. I have also tried every wive's tale or recommendation from standing on my head to foot zoning, essential oils, herbal pills and medicine, keeping track on the calendar, to a strict health diet and everything in between. I have tried everything except for In vitro which I just can't get myself to do. It costs between $15-20,000 and it doesn't work for everyone. There is no way I could pay that much money that I don't have and therefore be in debt paying a large bill every month with nothing to show for it. That is just one thing I know I personally can't handle.

The hardest part for me about not getting pregnant is seeing everyone else making it look so easy with one child right after another, and then you get those that don't even have to try. It's hard when you feel like you are ready on every different level, but yet it still doesn't happen. I think, "what am I waiting for? or what have I not learned yet that will help me get through this trial quicker?" I just don't know. I feel like for the most part I am good at keeping my feelings under control and I don't have to cry at every baby I see or at every baby blessing I go to. But some days are harder than others. I have found myself a couple of times getting sad and tearing up as I watched talent shows or reality shows with little kids with amazing voices or amazing dancers or gymnasts, and it makes me want a little child of my own that I could teach dance or gymnastics or sports and just play with them everyday and have so much fun with them teaching them positive things. There are occasions when I see a pregnant lady in the grocery store and am so envious of her and I find my mood just drops. I always tell myself I would never complain if I got pregnant abut the baby kicking in my tummy, or sleepless night or labor pain-because I would much rather feel that pain than the pain of no baby at all. I never thought in a million years that this would be my trial, yet here I am and I have no control over it.

The part that is rather annoying is that every single time I go to the OBGYN to have an ultrasound to see if I am ovulating, he says, "you are ovulating and everything looks great! Come back in three months if you are not pregnant! just go get busy!" and of course he is all optimistic and upbeat. I would rather him tell me there is a problem so we can fix that problem or let me know I can't get pregnant so that way I don't have that hope in the back of my mind. I also wouldn't have to be let down when my period starts or having a late period, feeling hopeful and then having yet another negative pregnancy test. Now I refuse to take a pregnancy test because I can't handle seeing one more negative sign; so I had gone 63 days with no period and hubby said I should take a test, I did, it was negative and I started two days later.

I am going to end this entry with an interesting thought that had never occurred to me. Hubby said to me, "ya know, maybe it's not about YOU. It's all about the baby and when the baby is supposed to come into this world. Maybe that baby needs to be born at a certain time so that they can serve their mission at a certain time of life, or find their eternal companion who is also not born yet. Timing is everything and the Lord knows what is best and also has an eternal plan that will all come together when the time is right and when/where our earthly mission should be fulfilled." Although this situation is difficult and I can't always hide the tears, that was an interesting way to look at it.